Monday, February 22, 2010

You Make Me Feel Like A....

Lookin out on the mornin rain, I used to feel so uninspired. And when I knew I had to face another day, oh it made me feel so tired. Before the day I met you life was so unkind. You're the key to my peace of mind. You make me feel...

So...I don't do letters. We, the authors of this blog, sometimes receive emails from followers and foreigners alike. I will usually email the sister or the brother back and wish them well. After all, I sing songs. Whistle while I work kinda gal. Don't let the blog fool ya, I don't write letters. And truthfully this blog was started as a way to track my dating experiences since turning 30. Give me something to reflect upon and eventually laugh at in my "old age". It wasn't ever meant for me to give advice. But I received a letter from a sister that just resonated with me. It boldly reminded me of one of my recent experiences in the dating world so I feel compelled to answer. Don't worry, this won't become a habit!

You make me feel. You make me feel like

A Natural Fool:
So this sister writes me about her "man" that she's been seriously dating for two years. They are now engaged and her issue...she doesn't know if he loves her. How the hell are you confused about that?? She goes on to tell me that in the two years, he's never said he loves her. Hmm...I asked how does he show it? Her response: He's stuck with me for two years. WTF? Are you that godawful that "sticking with you" is such a heinous activity that you must pledge the rest of your existence to him as a thank you?? Didn't you also stick with his arse for the same amount of time?? Fair exchange is no robbery sis.

Me: "you know how you can tell? Sure it's implied in all the little things, the gifts, the words, the promises. You know the shit you don't get. But it's felt in the follow-through. How does he argue?

She seemed confused.

Me: "you do argue at times, right? When you are upset, need comfort or support in spite of a differing opinion...what does loverboy do?"

Her: "well, he can get a bit cruel. Usually we just need a few days away from each other."

As we continue talking she further reveals there are times when he's laughed when she cried. When she says she needs something he responds by telling her she shouldn't be so needy. That's often followed by she shouldn't be so angry or so this or so that because after all it wouldn't get to him that way.

Ah sisters, with all the extra assholes the Lord saw fit to provide you'd think we wouldn't be so stunned when we end up caught up in a bunch of shit. Let's be reall, the whole idea of "too needy" was created by men. It's their buzz word. They figured out, long ago, that if they say "too needy" we automatically feel a.) inadequate and b.) responsible. It's the ability to manipulate the conversation by convincing you his role is to validate who you are and how you feel. They hope, and often are granted, you forget that power is yours to give AND take back as you see fit. I say, next time challenge him on it. When he says "you shouldn't be so needy" tell him to point it out in the manual. I'm dying to hear what answer he gives that justifies his egotistical desire to control how another person feels.

When my soul was in the lost and found you came along to claim it. I didn't know just what was wrong with me til your kiss helped me name it. Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for and if I make you happy I don't need to do more cuz you make me feel...

When you are at your worst and vulnerable to being hurt how does he make you feel? It's easy to feel on cloud nine when everything is good. It's easy to convince yourself, whether he says it or not, that he loves you when the most horrible thing he's done is leave his socks on the floor. When you two have completely different opinions on a subject you feel strongly about and you are shouting at the top of your lungs. When you're so frustrated you can't do anything but cry. When you are being unreasonable and he's being undesirable. How does he make you feel? If it's intentionally less than the woman you walked into the situation with...leave him. What have you really lost? Love isn't pretty but it is often strong. It's what shows up when everything else shows out.

You make me feel. You make me feel like...

A Non-Existent Piece of the Puzzle:
So on our next conversation I asked her when times are good...what does he do? We already know how bad it can get. What does he like to talk about when he's at his best? She says, his cars, his kids, his feelings about me as long as it doesn't include the word love, his job, his past. At this point, she's making my damn head hurt. You want to marry a man who knows you're there but doesn't care? You want to marry a man who can only be happy if the world revolves around him?

Sister do yourself the same favor I had to do myself. Stop wondering if he loves you. Start worrying about if you love you.

Don't get married, don't get a pet, don't get a new pair of shoes until you figure that out. All that energy you keep investing in making sure his world is ok, take it, and start building one that's all about you. Make sure it's full of beautiful, pampering things. Treat yourself so well, invest in your own well being so much that by the time you are ready to date or get married that man won't have the luxury of topping the last man's achievements because you've already gone far and above that for yourself. The standard he will have to top is based on how you treat you. And even with that dude, if he doesn't make you feel valued and respected...if he doesn't make you proud of who you two are as a couple...if he doesn't make you feel like a needed piece of the puzzle you two are putting together for your relationship...if he doesn't make you feel blessed and joyful in your femininity. Appreciated in what you bring to the table. EVERY day....leave him. He's not only supposed to say he loves you...I mean if that brother doesn't make you feel it...Fully, Completely, Naturally....EVERY day - leave him.

I know she won't. She's already committed. I know it was one of those moments when God was just tapping me on my shoulder and saying "look how far you've come." So, I'm once again going back to the mode of wish 'em well and keep walking the path to my destiny. To the one who will one day have me sincerely wondering

ooh, baby what ya done to me? You made me feel so good inside. And I just want to be close to you. You make me feel so alive. You make me make me make me feel like a Natural Woman

Song: Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin


  1. Ok...I'm gonna try to keep this comment to less than the length of your post, but based on this foolywang, I can't make it a promise. I hope your "friend" is reading this.

    Dear Girl, Get Out And FAST (GGOAF)

    I'm crying inside for you. There is no way between the letters H-E-L & L that I could even pretend that I would be in this situation. I've RUN away from far better because even it wasn't what I needed in this lifetime.

    There is a deep crater in your spirit that needs to be filled with self love A-S-A-muthafrreaking P!! I won't waste time telling you about ya'self because my girl Shai already broke you/that down. What I do want to know is how did you manage to even whisper the word "yes" to his marriage proposal with all this madness that is the foundation of your relationship? Did I miss the part where you actually proposed to him so as to never be alone?

    There are some clear signs that you need to find the EXIT sign in your relationship, & I won't break em all down here, but I'll drop a few:

    1. If you feel worse with him than you do without him, it's time to Roll Bounce.

    2. If you feel like your relationship is a 2nd & 3rd job that you're being undercompensated for, you need to raise the kickstand on your broom & be on your way.

    3. If the production of your life was a feel good movie that has now been turned into a drama, you need to race outta there.

    4. If you have to make excuses for his behavior or treatment of you to friends & family, you need to make him history right away.

    5. If your relationship requires you to drink a stiff shot or a glass of wine on a nightly basis, depart before you also need to holla at AA.

    6. If you have taken up retail therapy to soothe your shattered spirit and the gifts to him are stacked higher than the gifts from him (cuz you get confused while you're shopping on who to spend ya duckets on) you need to send him a bill on your way out the door.

    7. If when you think of him as a dickhead instead of how you want to handle his...think need to be out.

    8. If you have gained more than 5 pounds, & none of them are related to a baby you've had together, but due to the food you eat in your worst depressed moments, you need to throw a pie in his face & disappear before he can clean up.

    I'm going to walk away from this. I just can't believe we haven't figured out how to love ourselves more. GGOAF...I need you desperately to start looking in the mirror & identifying what makes you unique & beautiful so you can flaunt it before the next man after you make this Loser your ex man.

    Prayin for you!!

  2. well damn! tell 'em how u really feel sun...shyne!