Monday, February 8, 2010

Why aren't you married yet?

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself. makes me want to lose myself in your arms. something in your voice makes my heart beat fast. I hope this feeling lasts for the rest of my life.

Why aren't you married yet?
I hate that question. Not because it makes me feel less than or as if I'm behind in the race to the altar. Nope. It's because folks are ignorant enough to assume I'm out here racing at all. I've felt intense lust. Not the sexual kind. Intense emotional lust that makes songs like Edwina Hayes "Feels Like Home" resonate within me. Old lovers, now forgotten, that made me hope the heart palpitations weren't just gas and that the feeling of looking into his eyes lasts longer than an orgasm. Intense emotional lust that made me think of children and becoming something new in his eyes. And that's where it stopped. The moment I realized I didn't want to be someone new. I don't want to lose myself. I worked to damn hard to become a woman I'm proud of. So if being around him makes me want to reshape and repurpose old lessons...I'm suddenly no longer interested.

If you knew how lonely my life has been. and how I've felt so alone. and if you knew how I wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done.

Why aren't you married yet?
I hate that question. Not because it makes me feel as if I lack some mythical completeness. Heaven knows, I was born complete. A mate is supposed to simply compliment. I hate it because it reminds me of how broken everyone is. Rock with me on this one...

I know a ton of women who are married. Don't know (save Grand) one chick who has a husband. So while they are busy asking me why aren't I married, I'm busy wondering why the hell are they? Usually I clean all that up by simply responding "I never had an example of marriage that was appealing enough to make it something I aggressively aspire to". Usually it's two desperate people running from the fear of loneliness. Married to someone they hate, or who hates them, because of the kids. The same kids who, by the way, hate both of them because of all the nonsense they are forced to witness. Getting married because of "all these years" I've put into this. When all you have is "all these years", with not one positive emotion to show for it in the present time, charge it to the game. Or sounded like a good idea, that's what you are supposed to do, u needed validation that someone wanted you, etc, etc! And I get it. Not knocking it. As long as you are both in that boat together we won't rock it. But don't question why the rest of us aren't in a mad dash to sink with you.

It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me. It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from. It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

Why am I not married?
Now, let's be clear. I'm not against marriage. I just don't see an example of one that makes me want to sprint to the altar with any dude who asks. If I were to visualize the shape of my marriage than I must admit I'm looking for something different. And in a world of conformists, my something different is going to take some time.
I've been on my own since I was 16, sleeping at a friend's house for nights at a time. I've survived cancer and feeling like a stranger in my own body twice. I've gotten myself through the disappointment of heartache and break and feeling like my heart was someone's toy. I've been through nights under the stars and backseats of cars. I've been through buying my own house...just so someone else can live in it. I'm waiting for the one that finally makes me feel like I'm home. Oh yes, I'm looking for something else. Not perfection but perfect for me. Not something to "complete me" or make me feel completely at odds with my values. Not the imitation marriages that I see. If I wanted just to be married, I have three engagement rings that tell me that could have happened long ago. No! I want a husband. I want my mate. I represent women who have been orphaned by society, your body & your heart. Women who are strong in who they are as a result of having to pick themselves up and build a house (of cards, emotions, or hope) right where they are, shanty town as it may be. I guess women like me are simply waiting for the one that finally feels like home.

Song Lyrics are from Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes


  1. this mirrors me in damn near every way. & it's such an unpopular to stance. i commend you for speaking honestly on it. i've never been into combo meals, always something in it i don't want, so why should i pay for it. i resist package deals, 1 stop shopping, & bed in a bag. i'm afraid of being stuck with things i don't want. i too have worked DAMN HARD to become who i am. i've already experienced losing myself self behind a man's shadow. searching for myself was 1 of the hardest, but most necessary things i've ever done. i will NOT do that again. so...until it looks better than just an opportunity to play adult games, i'll be doin' this life solo as well.

  2. why do i want to print this out, make it into a flyer and mail to every one of my MUDDERFACKIN RELATIVES? Jesushavemercy... standing gotadamn 'O', Shai!!

    *and* i say all this as an unapologetic conformist.