Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I just can't believe all the things people say -- controversy
Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay? --controversy
Do I believe in God? Do I believe in me? --controversy
Controversy, Controversy

What is up my money grips?? Hope all is well. I'm a tad late to plug in my iPod but I gotta own my moments...that man has been at my house (or me at his) damn near every night since that date. I had to pull back! I mean, late to work everyday. Little to no sleep every night. No one adding to my iPod shuffle. WTF? It's been a week! A week! Already we are talking about what could be deal breakers in a relationship and what we should improve on in our communication with each other, what works well, yadda, yadda. Left me scratching temple on the small detail of...IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK! But hey, I said I'd hold on and enjoy the ride. Now that I'm sleepless, walking quite funny & can't find a position to sit in that aint stressin my already sore back....gently rock with me for a few.

So, I told a group of friends about the possible interest in Thicke Jr. My girl, the only one present at this lil gathering, initially advised against such interest. Now mind you, she didn't advise against the good doctor, even after finding out he was an Atheist. Now, a man can have no God...that's excusable. No pigment...we shake a finger and furrow a brow. I call flag on the play!

Controversial Sidenote:
When getting feedback (requested or not) from your friends consider the level of craziness/non-balanced nature of the source. You know your peoples. Give 'em their due. They earned it! Consistently work hard to maintain justification for it! You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't even acknowledge/or consider all that hard work at stayin crazy when weighing their advice. They might as well never have gone crazy at all if you just gonna treat it like it isn't even there. I'm a good sista-friend. I acknowledge her lack-o-balance and pray she always do the same for me because, trust and believe, if they are un-balanced and you are hanging with them....YOU aint balanced either! And as a good friend they better acknowledge it. Back to our regularly scheduled...

It was a good discussion. More supportive than negative. Not that it would have mattered with the latter. We both know I'll do what I want regardless. LOL. And she would only want me to be happy as sisters do. However, should we be in a situation when we all hang out, you don't just spring the lack-o-pigment on a bunch of black folks. Pre-warn! If you don't want any tomcoonery...PRE-WARN! As was the motivation behind starting this convo with the cast of characters in my life. We talked a good while about it and throughout the convo I realized, pigment or not, you gotta respect Thicke Jr.'s gangsta. I mean, his own home, investment properties, career, no kids, plan for retirement, plans for love/family, and all of these details were solid in his 20's. Find me a brother who can honestly say the same thing with the proof of follow through within the same time frame. There are brothers in their 40's still trying to figure this shit out. And don't talk to me about the race discrepancy in Amerikkka. Yeah, I know it's there but let us have a moment of truth:

Controversial Truth:
In the socio-economics of life, black women are at the bottom of the ladder BEHIND black men and YET ...the sisters own homes, have a career, a plan & retirement funds set with hope for a family. The 3 sisters on here specifically have all that and I had all of it before I turned 27. So in the light of day, brothers don't have a whining ass leg to stand on. When those who are socio-economically behind you got theirs, wtf is going on with you that the bulk of you can't get your shit together? We (black women) deal with the same racism, classism and sexism (the last one perpetrated a lot by brothers) that yall deal with...and still, we can handle business, move mountains and birth babies (that we often have to raise on our own). While once, when I was 15, I used to congratulate a brother in his 30's when he said I'm working on it. Now, as a 30 year old black woman in this game, when a 30+ year old brother says to me I'm working on it, I get the er? face. Brotha please! Did you JUST start yesterday? Cuz I've been on my grind since 16, so you got a ways to go. Holla when you're 45. I digress..

As I said to my sista-friend, there's so much about this "Don't do" that I simply "does" that it aint even funny! I didn't know that these issues were so extremely specific. Not saying that it applies to all of any one race. I know a lot of brothers on their grind, doing what they should do but most of them are too old for me to roll with. I know a lot of whites who aint doin shit but living off of daddy. That aint Thicke Jr. and I can respect that. He works two jobs, simply because he doesn't like monthly debt. Monthly! So every month everything is paid off and his credit is back to free and clear. I grew up on a yearly debt situation. He has a separate retirement fund because while he thinks 401K's are "cute" (his words) and he will contribute to his, he wants funds that aren't reliant on a job or someone other entities whims. While he believes in physical satisfaction, he doesn't believe in sex separate from commitment because he says a woman can get caught up when you place pieces of you inside of her and he doesn't need the controversy of being 4gotten by the one he may build with and/or hassle of being remembered by the one he never wanted a thing with. There's so much of this particular don't do (dating outside of my race)...that I does do. I have to respect his gangster. So we laughed, my sister-friend and I, and she understood and supported the choice. As our brothers came in to join us at this happy hour shindig (one who thought I was gay..wtf? no, I just never wanted his ass, 1 who is gay & 1 who is curious about white girls 4 whatever reason) I started to think about all the possible outcomes IF I chose to begin an interracial relationship, controversial, for some, as it may be.
Love him, love him baby
Controversy, controversy, controversy
People call me rude, I wish we were all nude
I wish there were no black & white
I wish there were no rules
Controversy, controversy

Thicke Jr. and I were discussing family one day and what we would or wouldn't allow for our children. I asked him would you want your kids to be cops. He said, very quickly, No. I'd never want that lifestyle for my kids. He asked me would you have an issue with your kids dating outside of their race. Now family, wrong as it may be, I had to be honest. I told him, my daughter no. My son, may just get put the fuck out my house if he doesn't bring me home a black girl. Thicke Jr. laughed and said, I notice a lot of black women feel that way. Why is that? It doesn't make sense. I thought about it and replied If the discrepancies change, than I will. If he truly must look outside of his race, then I'd understand. However, as it is now, name one, out of all your black male friends in this area, ONE that can bring to the table, equal to what I bring, that is our age. Name ONE that is out there saying he believes in family and is truly honoring just ONE black woman and loving and building with her. He couldn't. I said, truly neither can I. Now name FIVE black females who can bring to the table equal to what I have and that is our age or younger. He said, your heart is one of a kind but on the financial and strength of vision for a future...rattled off names. Most of whom were married so we will assume they were kicking it with just one man. I said exactly. My daughter will have a long way to go to being equally yoked, mentally & economically. She will suffer from a lack of viable resources if she stays only within our race. Black women are the "most single" group for a very obvious reason. It isn't a reflection of us as much as it is of our counterparts. My son, however, will have a pick of women in his race that can meet him where he is. He has no excuse. He better bring me home a black girl & rebuild our families. His bredren broke it. He has the responsibility to fix (be a solution) or fight (problem). I will raise him to carry his weight of fixing the issues. If the weight changes, I'll be open to revisit with him. Thicke Jr. just looks at me quietly. Then says, not that it matters to you, but that makes sense to me. Fair enough and laughs.

Family was a recurring theme for me this week. As Thicke Jr. and I chilled more folks started to notice. One such person....my mama. Why Lawd! Why? Again, it's only been A WEEK! I don't want family to know about him. But my mama, drops in from time to time as mamas do. During our convo, the idea of Thicke Jr. pops up. I wanted to know her thoughts. Again, PRE-WARN people! This may never become anything, but if she happens to pop up in my house and see a white man in his boxers making breakfast she will either catch her death of the heart attack or make sure he catches his death of the whoop ass. The conversation went as expected. She was more concerned he's a cop than anything else. We discussed the Grands birthday coming up this weekend and said our goodbyes. A few hours later, I get a phone call from my Grand(mother).

Grand: Your Grand's birthday is this weekend.

Me: I'll be there

Grand: Mmm. Bring some wine. I'll get a good cheese tray

..........insert crickets........

Me: We don't eat cheese Grand

Grand: I built this family. I know what WE don't eat. I have US covered. Cheese is for company.

I can feel her staring at me through the phone
.........insert the quiet ribbit of a frog....
Grand discusses the controversy of her life through her garden...

Me: You figured out what you planting for winter?

Grand: Not sure. I'm thinking of planting some new seeds. Maybe you should too. Millie's garden is so nice. She got all different things over there.

Me: I don't plant grand.

Grand: All women plant just gotta mind what they choose to grow. Make sure it caters to their needs. And always be ready to pick what can be supported by the seasons of their life.

Me: You don't even like half the stuff Millie grows

Grand: Oh but I like to look out there and know she's growing something just for her. How boring would it be if we all chose the exact same things to put in our gardens? If we did that I'd never have a chance to have Millie's cucumbers and I like her cucumbers. The rest is just pretty to look at and I know that it feeds her well. Doesn't seem right that I would only be able to appreciate the garden I grow.

Me: How's Grand's garden?

Grand: humph! well. he got a few weeds but I'm gonna see if I can't figure that out for him.
Gotta go. Papa needs to find his socks. You mind your manners and eat your rabbit. Think of something savory to compliment the cheese, I suspect we will have rain. Good for the gardens to grow. We may have a guest drop in to say hello, aint that right??

Me: Yes ma'am.

Grand: good. I'll get the garden ready to show...you do the same for your garden. k?

Me: Yes ma'am.

Damn it! She knows. She only buys cheese for white folks because they don't have the lactose intolerance. Only one person could have told her. My mama. What the ...I'm not ready for him to meet family. IT'S ONLY BEEN A DAMN WEEK! I don't even know if I want him around in a relationship capacity and he doesn't seem to know if he wants me around for that either. We just like hanging out. Arrrgh!

In the end I chose not to bring him or even tell him about it. Just not ready for all that. The weeds in Grand(dad)'s garden tells me he's also aware and aint pleased. I was ready for the questions when I got to the party. Surprisingly enough, there weren't any. My Grand(mother) had clearly taken care of it. She pulled me aside and said, if this thing turns out to be something that makes you happy you better go for it. And we want to meet him so we can look at him and tell if something aint right. You know, except he went and caught his birth of the no pigment
. I said oh yes, ever since Michael Jackson, that's going around. How's Grand(dad)'s garden faring? The Grands never travel more than 3 steps of each other so I wasn't too surprised to hear him clear his throat behind me. It's fine. Thank you. We did some weeding..when was that mama? day before yesterday? Grand(ma) yep, day fore yesterday papa. Grand(dad) mmm-hm. And how come you aint bring your new over? Beau's aint supposed to hide. I told him, it isn't that serious currently and I didn't know how he would deal with the fact that he was white. Grand(dad) looked me up and down. I want you happy. Period. I aint that old or feeble minded. Besides, that's how you started out (referring to the ONE white guy I dated in hs, he wasn't my 1st boyfriend just the 1st they ever met) why you shocked that's where you end up? If he treats you fine, I'm fine with him and won't drag his ass out to the shed. But mama went and bought cheese! You aint even bring him to look at her tray offerings. My profuse apologies that we may have to sicken ourselves with cheese so that it doesn't go bad.

Do I believe in God? Do I believe in me?
let me tell ya...
Some people die just to be free
Life is just a game, we're all the same...don't you wanna play a role in the
Controversy, controversy, controversy

All in all, the key players are now aware of him or, at least, the idea of him. Need not put out any more warnings or other labels. So if one day we decide to let this be something more than what it currently is...we're free of family whispers and controversy.

Song: Controversy by Prince