Friday, February 12, 2010

Fight The Power!

"Good evening; I'm Sugar brown. This here's Da Newz"

Top Story: Former President Clinton rushed... evac'd... whisked.. walks out of his office on his own two feet and is admitted to hospital for heart transplant stent implant, following complaint of chest pains...

In Other News: Metro Red Line explodes... falls off above-ground tracks... derailed; hundreds maimed... injured... perfectly okay, only 3 fatalities... serious.... minor injuries.

i'm so glad Pres. Clinton is doing far better than was initially reported. i can't STAND over-hype!

in fact, i was discussing this with my cousin. ok she's not really my cousin, but might as well be. she enjoys hype, thinks it just adds spice to life. "girl please," she chided, "you LOVE hype! like your boy, Bo." her remark was followed by that warm, familiar cackle.

i've known Bo for what... 5, 6 years now? there's always been a weird sexual tension between us. a weird, strong sexual tension. but when i met him he was on the last leg of his marriage. i don't sleep with married men.

not knowingly.

so i spent that time playing marriage counselor, and referring him and his soon-to-be-ex-wife to other counselors. i would later find out that all my 'help' actually wore on hislast nerve. and here i thought he actually wanted to save his marriage. things aren't always as they appear.

don't believe the hype. (cue Public Enemy bassline)

so anyway we lost touch for a while. by the time we re-connected (facebook is tha DEVIL), he was happily divorced and fully back on the market. i, of course, was single. (CSI Miami "Yeeeeahhhhh!!!") so we get to talkin, talkin, talkin... and then it hit me like a ton of bricks: he's damaged goods.

everyone carries baggage with them. fck what the self-help, ultra progressive mouthpieces say. we ALL have baggage. the trick might be to not get too comfortable with it. i believe life comes with all kinds of packages and some of them, gaddemit, you NEED to carry around with you, otherwise, you will lose the gift inside. not all baggage is bad. perhaps all baggage is just that - baggage. neither good nor bad. perhaps it's all about what you do with it.

but Bo, he doesn't just carry baggage. he delights in it. he enjoys the cruelty of the weight. he carries his baggage with an unhealthy possessiveness. he is happier than a pig in mud. and while i believe we all have the right to revel in our own mud, it doesn't, however, mean i'm about to revel in that shit with you.

bottomline, Bo isn't ready for another relationship. he can't bring himself to say it. because he and i share a weird, strong tension. and it isn't just sexual, to be honest. we think alike. i love, love, LOVE the sheer capacity of his mind. God help me, it's sexy. the way he thinks, his hunger for knowledge, and not just for knowledge's sake. not just to become a self-touting encyclopedia. he has a genuine love and curiosity for data. aww man, i think that's so sexy.

a genuine nerd. like me.

but Bo is damaged goods. i know this because whenever our interactions start to get emotionally intimate, he runs. like, that fckr literally disappears, and i won't hear from him for days on end. the longest stint, he was gone for months. that's when i knew that not only is he damaged, it's become a chasm that i simply don't have the emotional bandwidth to bridge. 10 years ago, i would have been strong enough for both of us...or at least i would have told myself i was. 5 years ago, i would have stretched out my hand and told him, if you'll just take my hand, baby, we can fight this thing together. but right now, the woman i am today? i simply haven't the capacity for all of that anymore. a man like that will love you, propose to you, and leave your ass standing at the altar. this last time, when he ran, i let him go. and i shut the door behind him.

he re-emerged and i opened a window. we've been in that mode ever since. i didn't ask him why he ran. not initially. i didn't tell him how much it hurt me to my heart. but i could hear the regret in his voice. i could sense the longing to walk back through the door. he knows something has changed. we both know it. but he's kept trying to get back in. in fairness to him, i'm not the cuss-you-out type. once i assess your position in my life, i don't feel the need to confront you with it. i don't need that kind of "closure". so it's easy to assume that i'm blind and stupid.

don't believe the hype.

eventually, i guess he figured it was time. time to have Le Talk.

"SugarBee, I want to make love to you. Let me make love to you."

5 1/2 years, on and off... and there it was: Let Me Make Love To You.

the longing was unmistakeable. the yearning in his plea had a familiar urgency to it. that unerring focus on the one and only thing on a man's mind at that.particular.moment. and i knew... i knew the sex was going to be off...the...chain.

"Bo... I'm sorry. No."

i could almost hear the glass shattering in his brain as i turned him down. firmly, gently, unyieldingly. because what didn't need to be said was,

MFCKR, ARE YOU NUTS?! do you reeeeally think i've been abstinent for years just so i can settle for your now-you-see-it-now-you-don't, self-centered, immature, emotionally sadomasochistic ASS???! you got the wrong... mudderfackin... ONE.

that was last week. i haven't really heard from him since. because just like that zero-in moment that men all share when they want the goods, he also has a fragile ego. men hate to be turned down. HATE it.

why did i turn him down? not just because he was unreliable. but... he asked to make love to me.

he never offered to love me.

i was surprised by that. i expected this man to know better. to do better. to want better.... for me.

so in spite of my cool, balanced assessment of this man i've known for half a decade... in spite of the clarity of mind with which i shut that door and never re-opened it... it turns out that even i can love a man who clearly wants to fck me, not love me. even i could fall for the hype.

"Until next time... I'm Sugar Brown."


  1. even super Women take off their capes for dry cleaning sometimes.

  2. LOL... well said, sis. i just wish i'd known it at the time. better yet... i wish i didn't need a cape.

  3. Ah Sugar. 4 true everyone has baggage. As much time as I spend on the road...I've learned something about folks and their baggage. Mainly, in travel, love and sex, I've learned to look for baggage that goes with mine. One can't carry-on a BB energy and be productive with someone who is a target hardcase level baggage. Oh no.

    As it stands, I have that good good SwissGear! WITH reversible wheels and in a shiny silver. It's not cheap but that's because it's Sturdy (not because of a nametag), waterproof/can stand the rain, and flexible in movement when the time calls (hence the wheels). And it's silver so that it's easy to locate when surrounded by other baggage..and a sista enjoys a bit-o-reliable bling. Oh yes, I need baggage that goes with mine.

    Folks like Bo they have narcissistic baggage. U know, the kind of baggage that does more posturing than pulling it's weight ad holding the load. It's cheap but not cost effective because of the visual impact..a la Gucci, LV, etc. Problem is that's all it will ever be good for, believing it overly hyped ego. You know that shit will break as soon as u put something heavier than a nail file in it. And don't put those folks through a storm or real journey...chile, they will run faster than Flo Jo on roids.

    You need baggage that goes with yours. Find you a swiss gear man