Hmmm.....

I was all prepared to have some golden insight on a random fact about love and dating. I had it laid out for you and it would be offered in such a way that your light bulb would shine that much brighter due to my insight. The mysteries of the world would unfold in this post today.

But I ain't feeling it today.

I haven't been feeling like much lately.

It's a pretty unfulfilling place to be in right now.

I wish I could have some blossoming potential situations that make you cheer me on through this love process like Sugar Brown. Or even benefit from the effects of a calming spirit that reflects over my former love life and become a phoenix from the ashes of relationships past like Shai.

Naw....I ain't none of that. I'm just me....T-Gyrl. A mess right now....

My house is an absolute mess! Now, it ain't on a Hoarders level, but Niecey Nash would shake her head and look at me cock-eyed for this abhorrence.

I can't figure out washing my dishes and cleaning the stove right now. I have been eating the same meal I cooked for 2 weeks now, siphoning off meal-by-meal until its time to make another 2-3 week meal. There is only so much cous-cous a girl can eat.

I just got my clothes out of the cleaners. It has been a little while since I put them in.....umm, February '09, I think. I forgot about them until I got......the call. Yes, that is when the cleaners are on the fence about giving your clothes away. Before they do this they normally call you to come get your shit out.

My DVR needs to be cleaned out. I have shows on there from 2008 that, let's face it, I ain't gonna watch. The documentary about the 75 year-old woman being pregnant for 46 years sounded great when I set it. But now.... it falls behind 16 episodes of Wendy Williams, 5 episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race, DWTS, 4 episodes of Unsung, The Idol, 5 episodes of The Office, Law and Order:SVU, 3 episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, The Story of Santa Claus, Law and Order:SVU and 6 other PBS documentaries, so it will never get seen.

Thank the Heavenly Father for an accountant! Who knows when those taxes would have gotten done.

I haven't seem the carpet in my bedroom for a good 7 months. Rather than clean my room, or house for that matter, maybe invite company over, I just decide not to have any company. There's no one I need to see in my house that I can't see from outside of it.

And might I add I have three bottles of wine in my fridge....no box! I know, right? I can't believe it either. Its not having the bottles that should shock you, its the fact that they have been there for more than three weeks and I am too lazy to buy a bottle opener. That's the real kicker.

They say your outsides reflect your insides. Well, inside must be a crime scene. I can't seem to get it together. Sometimes I think my life sabbatical is about stalling. I've been stalling on major decisions, little tasks....and even stepping on the scale. Waiting for some life inspiring event to motivate me to change. Not so much....

Family, I wish I had something to uplift you with, but there is no point in inspiring you if my inspiration is all worn out. The message of today's post is go do something productive....cuz ain't nothing going on here.

Pray for me y'all....

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

Death of a salesman

my apologies for being off schedule the last few weeks. my personal schedule has been haywire lately.

i'm about to come at you on something real personal.

okay, you know everyone has that one moment that splits their life into the "before XYZ" and "after XYZ"? or that one relationship that has the same effect? yeah...

God, i loved him. part of me still does. and i know part of him still loves me. and always will. he's all married and making babies now, so this isn't about wanting to get back with him. i've made many mistakes in my life, and have a trail of regrets behind me. but leaving him was one of the best things i've ever done in my life. it is one thing i do not regret. it quite possibly saved my life.

see, that relationship taught me a lesson that i may never forget: not all that feels good, is good. not even love.

not all love is good love.

i left him 7 years ago. so why, why, GOD why do i still mourn that relationship? i haven't had a real relationship since him. i've had relationships. even a couple of whispers of wedding bells. but i can't stop thinking about that relationship.

let me be clear: it's not him, that i miss, it's what he brought to the table. the good stuff, of course. it's the relationship i'm mourning. it's the relationship i'm missing. it's the relationship that my heart can't forget.

let me try to explain. i felt safe in that relationship. shit, i don't know if i need to say any more. i felt secure in his ability to provide for (what i thought would be) our future family. i didn't feel the need to "raise" him or be the strong one. or be the soldier. we were both soldiers. and let me tell you, that's a priceless feeling. i haven't had that since.

i could be me with him. silly. quirky. freaky. intelligent. ambitious. i didn't have to apologize for ANY of that. i didn't have to cloak it. i didn't have to worry about it. because he matched me, gusto for gusto. and more. he taught me things. for a while there, i grew as a person with him.

i don't miss him. because i'm very clear that the man i fell in love with never really existed. but how do i stop longing for the relationship that was real? maybe my next relationship will give me the room to be me like that again. although, given how things are now with me and dude (yeah, i met a boy... same boy... still going), i don't know. i already find myself holding back. "he can't take it... he'll run... he'll think i'm weird... i gotta think of his feelings... he can't feel less than... hold back. hold back. hold back." this has been a refrain through practically every relationship that i've ever had.

is that just me?

i am weird. and, here's a funny thing: i like it. i like my brand of weirdo. i'm not talking-to-pigeons weird. but i'm an outlier. there are certain... expectations.. of a woman like me. and i don't always meet them. fuck em. if it doesn't suit me, i shrug it off. but if it does work for me, i wear it. result: if i were furniture, i'd be "transitional". you know... traditional + modern? i'd be traditional + whatthefuck.

i like whatthefucks.

but back to XYZ. to be fair, it's not that he could handle ALL my quirks. i don't think any one man can. hell, i can't. every once in a while i look at myself in the mirror and just shake my head and smile. so yeah, i'm a handful, i know it.. and i'm not looking back on the relationship with rose-colored glasses. i see it for what it was.

i'm just mourning, that's all. i guess.


"I've always been told I am one in a million
And my heart, a man must earn.
But loving you, my dear, is oh so easy;
It is loving me that I've had to learn."

- (c) Sugarbrown

Jumping into the purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka...and other non-sensical bullshit

So this weekend, I curled up in my bed with the remote and took in some quality television. Purple Rain, of all movies, came on while I luxuriated in the house.

Purple Rain is one of "those" collection movies! 1. the soundtrack is one of the best EVER, 2. you gotta love Prince, and 3. how could you forget such classic phrases like "I want to be a modernaire....modernaire, modernaire..." (I'm just going to assume that all of my readers have seen it. If not, put it on your Netflix!)

Anyhoo, in the midst of watching this movie, it got me to really think about what I was actually watching. This movie is unbelievably sexist and misogynistic. (I'll wait for some of you all to hit up dictionary.com, I know I broke out the $10 vocab words here....)

There are so many things inherently wrong with this movie that I never paid attention to before. Especially when it came to the women in this movie. All of them were subjected to powerlessness and victimization THROUGHOUT the entire movie. Where to be begin?

From the woman who gets suplexed into the trash dumpster by Jerome, on Morris Day's command, to Prince/"The Kid's" mother getting her ass whupped at the hands of Francis L all because she wanted to go out sometimes. Its gender violence....plain and simple.

The most evident abuse was shown with Appollonia's character. She wanted to sing and make a name for herself. She felt inspired by The Kid and bought into his dream while holding onto her own. Even giving up her chain to buy him the guitar that he salivated over in the store. She asked him to help her out, but he was too caught up with his own issues to help. So she went to Morris, rather she got caught up in his pimp game and decided Morris would help her. Well, the smack to the floor showed how much The Kid was feeling that decision.

The most egregious thing Appollonia is subjected to is jumping into the "purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka" on the belief that making this leap of faith would prove her worthiness and convince him to help her. Don't sleep y'all, there was a symbolic meaning behind her taking her clothes off and jumping into that dirty ass water. She had no other reason to believe him other than having faith he would do right by her. She got punk'd, seriously....can you imagine your wet body trapped in tight leather?

(T-gyrl, make your point.....you're losing them fast!!)

I was laying there thinking that these things are STILL happening to women today. How many of us have made the leap into the water only to be made fun of or embarrassed? Thrown in the dumpster because you were holding, what you believed to be your man, accountable for his actions?

This movie came out 26 years ago....26 years!! Yet, how many women are victims of domestic violence just because they want their men to show them more love or are punished because of unfulfilled dreams that their lover transfers onto them.

Recently, I had my 100th conversation with a female student of mine, trying to convince her that paying for her pregnancy termination is NO reason to remain in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with her boyfriend. I try not to be judgmental of her during this time in her life, but I wonder how many friends and other media images she sees that convince her to stay.

I spent another afternoon talking to another female student about not getting caught up in the hype with a guy she's dating and protecting herself in all sexual encounters him. She told me that he never asked if she were using birth control nor did he make a big deal about using condoms. Now we can argue about the interpretation of violence here, but the sloppy behavior gets a vote from me on carelessness and flat out abuse.

(Okay, so how does Purple Rain fit in here?)

Now, I'm not going to start boycotting Prince over the movie or say that he is the cause of women being victimized. Nevertheless, what I am going to do is think about the messages that I take in everyday and work on making sure that I am not perpetuating stereotypes that could play out against myself and other women in another 26 years from now. Cuz it may be too late then....

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

Putting the spring back in my step!!

Dear readers, my bad! I haven't been incog-negro by choice. Got a lil teeny tiny virus that rendered me a bit helpless for a minute but thankfully I'm baaaaackkkk!. So while this post should start off with:

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you
without a strong beat to step to

yeah..it won't! LOL but during my absence I did some robust spring cleaning. I'm talking physical, mental and emotional. Cleansed my aura and my house! New kitchen countertops, new carpets and harwood floors laid. A sista's been busy. And speaking of hardwood...while cleansing my emotions a not so oldie but always damn goodie came (take that anyway you want it) across my path. Pitting my need to grow and my desire to flow at odds with each other. He's one of those situations that a sister could get serious about or could get seriously hurt - no inbetween. Hmm..I know sounds like a "keep it moving" situation. And that's why when we first started dealing with each other I put the k-bash on the whole damn thing. But damn if a negro isn't sexy and persistent. He's determined to keep me on the edge of self discovery. Got me trying to decide if I should just say too little too late or tell this brother

if at first ya don't succeed

you can brush it off and try again

just brush yourself off and try again

Since he's a bit more "old school" than Aaliyah allows, let's see, how can we do this post righteous....I know. Rock with me on this for a few.

I been staring at your photograph

wondering where you're at today

and I been hanging by the telephone

hoping you'd call home so I can say

He caught me on the IM. 'Really babe? I had to call you and hear some dude tell me you changed your number'. Now I know what you're thinking..clearly you did negro cuz, shit, aint that the way it happened? Ok, fast foward. So I allow for the chat even if not the question (sailed right on past that shit without an acknowledgement or explanation) and say to him "that tells me the last time you called considering it's been a min since I changed my number." He smiles. I can feel it. He says "there's a lot I want to say to you but, I'll be honest, I didn't know if you wanted to hear my voice. I was hoping that you would call me."

Now...that's some bullshit if ever I heard it. I swear, ladies, if u need a hint whether your man is lying, it usually happens right after he starts a sentence with "I'll be honest". The really pathetic part of it is I'm sure there's a grain of truth to be found in it. True he didn't know if I wanted to hear his voice. Also true, he isn't the type to give a damn about whether I did or didn't want to hear it. He's not that weak. I know him. He lives with a sense of entitlement. If he wants something, he'll go get it. So the reason he provides for the lapse in time (the part immediately following "I'll be honest") is the lie he's telling me. Now that same sense of entitlement makes it absolutely possible that he was expecting that, even though I said goodbye, I'd be the one calling him. That was the lie he told himself. And while I don't delight in his word play, just between you and I, I was glad to hear from him. And to him, that's something I'd never say so I guess we were both fronting. And as they say, fair exchange is no robbery, so I let it slide. And though in all that time I never rang his line either because, like him, I would rather we hold on to the things we want to hear rather than confront the things we should say...he didn't let me stay comfortable long. As stated, when he wants something he will go get it and so it wasn't long before he hit me with it.

You told me, You needed

more walks, more talks, more feeling close to me

I want to be close to you

I didn't know you needed

some roses, some romance, some candlelight

a good slow dance

but that's not how its been

maybe we can try again

It was a week into what was becoming daily conversations. Hell, we didn't talk that much when we were admittedly dealing with each other so of course I ask him...are you dying, ill, gonna be a daddy? He paused, obviously confused that I blurted that out in the middle of discussing what size sofa to buy, and chuckled right before drawing out the word "Nooo. What in the world would make you ask that?" I told him that since we never were consistent about our conversations I'm just waiting to find out what's the change. He says "oh! I don't need it back." ok family are u having a wtf? moment like I was? of course ya are. He continues "I've loved you since I met you. Told you that. Whether you believe it or not, I love you. I can settle with it. I have no choice. I figure I'm meant to because no matter how many times we lose touch or you push me away I always fall back in love with you. So I'm going to love you the way you were meant to be loved and I don't expect to get it from you in return. I'll fuck up along the way. I'm sincerely sorry for the fuck ups I've made thus far but I love you. You don't have to give it back. I know you aren't ready. but I am where I am with you. Deal with it and tell me about this sofa."

I remember all the days gone by

and I'm wondering why I couldn't see

that I could search the whole world over

and never find what you've been giving to me

So we continue our discussions of sofas and whatever else the days bring. Only touching on the "love" subject if I ask a question. One day I was bold enough to ask him, why are you being so persistent? You never needed me. His response "Of course I needed you. Is that what made you put distance? What we have I can only have with you. You're the other part of it so of course I need you. But whatever babe. Guess that's one more thing I have to show you." I put distance for a multitude of reasons. One was that I felt he didn't need me. Add to that I never felt appreciated or distinctly valued. Part of that was I felt more for him at the time than he felt for me which isn't his fault but no one walks out of that situation with a sense of fulfillment so I walked out with my dignity instead. We knew we wanted something more out of each other but we were on different levels of want. Same destination, different paths to get there.

As the month of this interaction has gone by he waits. Let's me set the pace of it. I appreciate that. Never wavering on his position but not pressuring me either. As I slowly tell him what he did to make me feel a certain way or what I need to see happen he learns and is open to it. More than before. I even see him making a conscious effort with certain things that go a long way.

I remember it
I told you, I needed

more time, more space, more freedom

free to do girl, what I want to do

I gave you no roses, no romance, no candlelight

and no slow dance

but that's just how it's been

maybe we can try again

I'm not convinced. Don't trust it. Don't trust him. But in the spirit of spring cleaning when you often, in all that digging around, discover some things you forgot you had...maybe just maybe there's some room for discovery with him. Maybe one day, when I'm done sorting what I don't need from the stuff I forgot I wanted, I'll be comfortable enough to explore what I feel for him without hesitation. If he keeps it up I may, just this once, try again.

~Shai

Try Again by Aaliyah

Try Again by Champaign

God, I'm exhausted.

The past few weeks have been draining. Mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually.

Spiritually. Hmm..

I've been trying to observe Lent this year. I'm not Catholic. I'm not even that religious. But I wanted to do it. This would be maybe the 3rd time in my life that I would even observe it. But I wanted to do it. Perhaps needless to say, I broke the fast early. And in this moment, right now, I am sad. Like literally, close to tears.

Will God stop loving me because I broke the fast? No. But I'm just now realizing that I entered into Lent kinda mindlessly. No clear spiritual purpose, just "I'm gonna do this, YES I AM!". And in that moment, I lost out on an opportunity for spiritual growth. And in this moment, I realize that I am slowly drifting away from Center. And that's why I'm sad.

But we're here to talk about love, and all things pertaining thereto, yes?

I met a boy. Yes. I met a boy. I met 3, in fact.

One is a delightful young man. But immature. That is to say, he's a year younger than I am. And I'm kinda grandmotherly in nature, so let's do the math: most women are about 4 years more mature than their male counterparts. Me, I'm just fuggin old. So that makes me 4 + donkeyyears older than this young man. He's got buoyous spirit that I enjoy. Not bad looking either. But I think he's also got rough edges. He only hangs out with the same dudes that he grew up with. PROBLEM. I mean, he rocks with a crew of go-getters (all have masters' degrees, some have doctorates), but it's the same crew, all the time. C'mon, son!

Also, he is hyper sensitive. P.R.O.B.L.E.M., because I crack jokes all day. And not even risque jokes. Everything gets to him. Ugh.

Then there's dude #2: man. I really, really like this dude. He's ex-military.

Ponder that for a second. *grin*

Decent guy, decent job, decent mortgage, only one kid from a previous marriage. I like this man. Here's the thing: when we first started "talking", he kept talking about how he didn't see himself getting re-married anytime soon. PROBLEM. Let me be clear, if I've never done so before: I INTEND TO GET MARRIED, AND SOON. If I don't get married, then okay, I'll just adopt a kid or 2 and be cool. But any guy I'm rolling with, at this point in my life? Husband material, or wasted material. Period. Please believe. So at some point, Dude #2 and I need to have Le Talk.

Dude #3: Well actually, he's not even a contender. I've told yall about him. We'll call him Wesley because he loves pulling Disappearing Acts. He wants to hang out now. He wants to introduce me to his family now. He wants to be in my world now.

F
U
C
K

H
I
M.

And let's be clear: this isn't a vengeance thing. No, seriously. He just got to that magical FUCKYOU point in my life. Once you hit that mark, there's no coming back. And he did. So I will always care for him, always wish him the best in life. But I will no longer create room in my life for him.

So there's my man situation. What will be interesting, is if all 3 disappear out of my life. LOL

Here's something even funnier: that's not what's been stressing me out. Not in entirety. I'm just in one of those weird "holding patterns" in life, you know?

Ah, what do you care...

How do I de-fuzz my focus?

Top 10 List....

Today, I'm going to show my sexist side a little. Hopefully, I won't offend too many guys (i.e. the five guys that read our posts). But I can't help myself, I'm feeling pretty frisky today.

One of my favorite things in the world is chatting it up with my girls, talking about....of course....men. We cackle like hens when we share our experiences and preferences for them.

And since I feel like I share everything with you all, I'm gonna let you all know my top 10 things that make me remember why I love men. Now let me warn you, you may see glimpses of my shallowness and sheer weirdness, but hey, if you don't like - go get your own damn blog and post some righteous shit up there. Today, I just feel like being superficial!

TOP 10 things that make me remember why I love men!!

10. Car air fresheners - it sounds weird, but its something about the clean car and the New Car smell that goes hand-in-hand for me with some guys. When I slide my buttocks into the passenger side and become engulfed into the wonderful aroma of a well cared for car makes me feel good inside.

9. Man-brace - I don't know what it is, but I love seeing two dudes greet each other with the man-brace. If you don't know the man-brace, its when two men grab each others hand in an arm wrestle position, followed by an inward pull into opposing shoulder blades. Now the degree of friendliness depends on what the guy does with the other hand. If the guys pat each other on the back with the free hand, then there is a familiarity or "showing love" that you are witnessing. *swooning*

8. Fresh Cut - Nothing says damn better than a dude checkin' his fresh at the barbershop. Whether he's getting a baldy, faded and edged or caesar'd up, he's crisper than a $100 bill when he gets out that chair. And when the barber shapes up the facial hair, we're golden baby!!

7. Clean shoes - Lebron's or mules, I like for a guy to ride clean in his shoes. No worn down soles or twists. Every step he takes make you think the sidewalk is gonna light up like the Billie Jean video. And dress shoes, if he got a kiwi polish kit with brushes and his mama's ol' stockings....hee hee...there are no words!!

6. The Walk - Naturally, this goes with the shoes. The stride becomes everything as far as entrances go. O-M-G, when a man with a nice gait walks into a room....through the room...and out of a room, you can't help but notice. Even your head follows in slow motion as he walks. (No offense to John Travolta, but Denzel changed the walk game like no one else.) The walk can throw a woman's cool off especially if he's headed in your direction. Its like he's walking to the beat of a song, that you are dying to get the soundtrack for.

5. The Stance - Now, this one can have a multitude of variables, but you know it when you see it. My personal favorite is the hands in the pocket of the suit pants. The jacket has to be buttoned up. (Give me a second, my palms are sweating...) Another favorite is the drink hold coupled with the hand in one pocket, especially when its two or more men having a casual discussion with one another. I feel like Steve Irwin, watching in his natural habitat...I don't want disturb his presence.

4. Glasses - This may be a deviation for some of you from me. I actually find glasses on men handsome, particularly if the frames fit their face. Now as long as he don't look like Hammer or Stephen King in his spectacles, it gives a very intelligent look about a man. Even his shades should have the same effect.

3. Color coordination - From a pumpkin to a prince....I like to see a guy transform red, green, purple and brown to cranberry, chartreuse, eggplant and sienna. The gambit of the color spectrum is under his masterful eye as he "coordinates" his colors in his outfit. A shirt, a tie, a sweater and even shoes know no boundaries when organized against the right canvas.

2. Cologne - At this moment, I had a sweet reverie back to a simple time in my life. There was this guy I hated, but the sweet nectar that he splashed on his body everyday I saw him at work made me change my mind about him. Had me all upset when I couldn't walk by him. I was lovesick.....I don't know if a lot of guys realize that the elixirs of sandalwood, cardamom, cedar, and bergamot (to name a few) have dangerous properties known to freeze a woman's brain cells and make her lose her mind. And if a woman is lucky enough to get a hug from a guy with an intoxicating scent....ohhh....jangle-lang, jangle-lang!!

And I know you all are waiting for the No.# 1 reason why I love men....drum roll.....

1. Teeth/Smile - I was turned onto the power of the teeth by a good friend of mine from college. She would tell us that if you can't look at his mouth, no need too look anywhere else. And I have done some scientific research, (I have the data on file) that proves that straight, white teeth and a beautiful smile are NOT mutually exclusive. I have never seen a person with nice teeth NOT have a nice smile. Have you? Have you ever been Taye Diggs'd before ladies? That's when a man smile is so bright, you can't stop looking at his mouth. You can't help but smile when you see him smiling at you.

Feel free to share some additional factors that weren't included on the list. BTW, no guys were harmed in the making of this post.

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

Invictus ("Unconquered")

I was all prepared to talk about spring beautification and finding the physical beauty in myself. But recent circumstances require an emergency post......

This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency....well, you would have some shit on your hands.

So for any of you who follow sports, I'm sure you know about the Philadelphia 76ers releasing Allen Iverson from the team again. Citing " . . . we have come to the conclusion that he will not return . . ." (please see http://www.philly.com/inquirer/sports/86128522.html).

In addition, the media have addressed personal issues with the illness of his daughter as well as his estranged wife filing for divorce. Unfortunately, it seems that his 14- year career in basketball may have ended with minimal fanfare at best.

If anyone remotely follows basketball and Iverson's career, you will know that he lived as hard as he played. The scrappy and relentless attitude that he carried on the hardwood was exhibited both on and off the field. And, if you also know anything about the Philly nightlife scene, Iverson was, no...IS, a tenacious participant in its more colorful activities.

Stories have surfaced about a chronic drinking problem and his numerous bans from casinos in Detroit and Atlantic City respectively. Climactically, a culmination of bad decisions and honoring a hard living street code have led to a breaking point for Iverson.

Now, I'm no analyst/journalist and I'm not trying to get my Soledad O'Brien/Stephen A. at the expense of Allen Iverson's life. Nevertheless, there is a cautionary tale here boys and girls that cannot be overlooked.

At some point, everyone has to man up (and woman up) and admit when shit ain't workin'. It comes a time when the testament of a man (or woman) isn't in the options he's given, but the choices that he makes. Whether its re-prioritizing your life or decisively making changes, these things cannot come about without accountability and making a commitment to someone other than yourself.

Iverson, like so many men growing up in urban metropolises across the country, live by a street code that says being a man requires an unreasonable hardness and upholding unwavering loyalty to family, the homies, and the streets - even to your own detriment. But the question I beg you good people to consider is this - has honoring this street code afforded anyone with a quality of life where they have lived comfortably? (Let's see...TI? Umm no....Lil' Kim? Nope, nope....Lil' Wayne? Not so much....Biggie/Tupac....haha, please....Martha Stewart? I just wanted to see if y'all were following me)

Recently, I have been reading the books, The Pact and The Bond by Drs. Davis, Jenkins and Hunt. One of the things that make them "friends in my head" is that at some point they made self-assessments about the ill-fated paths they were headed towards. Following these so-called street codes were landing them in legal trouble as well as facing life altering consequences. There is nothing more admirable than a man saying the decisions I am making aren't good ones and I am suffering for them. The Drs. mentioned that choosing to fully participate in school and committing to living upstanding lives was a harder challenge than any street code that can be placed on them.

I know what you guys are thinking. T-Gyrl, what the hell is the point of this rant? You switching up the box for the bottle now? Well, here it is folks:

Fellas - Allen Iverson, the Drs. are you. Change the vocational variables and their distractions, vices, truths and choices could very well be yours. I don't purport to know what it takes to be a man or to fully understand the barriers that get in the way of you having good lives. Nevertheless, I do know that anything worth having requires some level of sacrifice and commitment. Whether its higher education or even a monogamous relationship, just wanting it isn't the same as going after it. Holding yourself responsible to its success or destruction is key. And I wonder, the homies who edict these so-called code of street ethics that people live by, if given the same opportunities for success as someone like Iverson, would they actually choose the homies or the streets over a fighting chance at a big life? (Don't agree with me? Remember when Nino Brown sold out Kareem in New Jack City? Same difference...)

Ladies - These are the men you are picking from or committed to. Turning a blind eye to the plight of these men doesn't help them make better decisions, nor does it bring them any closer to you. Yeah, yeah....I hear you all talking this let a man be a man stuff. However, part of that action requires us women holding a mirror up to these men and reminding them that they are making poor choices with love and respect. Being cognizant that despite the poor choices, there is a scared boy who is trying to make major decisions with limited resources. Be courageous to say what's uncomfortable and be tender, not to denigrate him or yourself in the process.

So I hope that Allen Iverson, and any other man whose going through times like these, find the peace of mind they seek. But it probably won't come without some honesty on the parts of themselves and the people around them. (Because that's the real street code that a man lives by...)

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

Can you tell me how to get... how to get to Sesame Street????????

good evening, i'm sugar brown; dis here's da newz.

top headline: IT'S SUNNY OUTSIDE, BYTCHES!!!

yes, in an unprecedented long-awaited snap of fair weather, the east coast has been blessed with relatively mild temperatures, hovering around the 40s. that's mild in negro terms. in caucasian terms, that's summer weather. all hail mid-winter daisy dukes, i say.

it's easy to be lulled into a sense of warmth.

ahhh, u already see where this one is going, huh?

i'm still not sure if I Met Somebody yet. today, tonight, rightnow, right fckng now, i feel like i haven't.

what is it about dating that lulls you? when we first met it was txts and calls and emails all the time. ALL... THE... TIME. now? he barely has time. i was lulled into that warm glow of attention overload. it is the ultimate catnip for us women. we will do anything, damn near anything i say, for attention. it is to us, what sex is to men.

pure opiate.

and i basked in it. i bathed in it. i bottled that shit up and took it to work with me. i radiated Eau d'Attention. and then it stopped. or at least, drastically slowed down.

now, thankfully, i'm over the age of 18 21 25 29. so that means i no longer go into crackhead withdrawal with every mood swing a man exhibits. heck, to be honest, i only remember that i haven't heard from him in those moments when i'm not mentally occupied.

(LESSON!)

but this isn't a one-time thing. this is too common an occurence. a pastor once said, and i find to be true, if everywhere you go stinks... IT'S PROBABLY YOU. (heyyyy, that rhymed!) so now i'm sniffing my emotional upper lip and wondering, damn, do i drive these guys away? do i create this madness? it seems that no matter what kind of man i attract - go-getter, lazy, tall, short, handsome, fugly, rich, poor, spiritual, jaded, whatever - i come to *this* point in the journey. this point where he allofasudden changes and i don't understand why.

i think, more than anything, that's what i want to understand. why. that's what i want to ask him. if he wants to move on, fine... it's gonna be 50 degrees outside this weekend and he can't change that. but i need to know why. if it's something i'm doing, then after all these years, can somebody please let ME in on it?!? that's all i'm saying.

i won't lie, though. i was hopeful.

Gaining Perspective/Dance like no one is watching - 2 for 1 special

I dunno if I mentioned to you all that I have decided to take a "life sabbatical". Well, not quite a sabbatical from life, but what was my life.

The past year and a half have been a sloppy ass mess and it comes a point in every person with a sloppy ass, messy life to put a freeze on the situation.

I've decided to re-evaluate everything that I am doing and currently experiencing. From people, work, hobbies, even health and fitness...everything will need to be re-certified and accredited in order to be in my life.

And, of course, dating and relationships will get the over due makeover that it so deserves in my life. Its interesting, you can find perspective in some unlikely places when you are receptive to it. The iconic diva Cher (love her, love her work) offered some sage advice that I am using temporarily until I get some shit in order.

"Men aren't necessities. They're luxuries."

Now, before any of the five male readers we have get up in arms, let me explain. I would never devalue the significance of men nor am I on some "no good men" type shit right now. But, indeed, being in a relationship with a worthy man is an absolute luxury that I would like nothing more than to luxuriate in. Nevertheless, I believe that our capitalistic society have taught us to get all the trimmings without having enough capital to pay for it. So I'm taking time out to build up my equity right now.

And let's face it, I would hate to find this beloved partner but due to distress and other bullshit I am soooo unavailable to him for a relationship to even work. Sometimes you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. (Love me some Kenny Rogers!)

So there, its out into the universe, I'll keep you posted on how its going and feel free to share your own sabbatical experiences and the results of it. Hell, if you're considering going on one yourself, lemme know too.

***

When you're at your breaking point for change, the universe will bring a catalyst your way to set the chain of events in motion.

My catalyst came in the form of a friend suggesting we attend another friend's dance class. I can't tell you how unappealing and uninterested in exercise I was. Not that I'm not active, but sometimes when you're in a dark place in your life anything that would shake that up seems unappealing. You start to embrace the very thing that you want to get away from.

And when I begrudgingly got to the gym, it couldn't have been any worse. The walkway to the dance class was like a catwalk, surrounded by a pit full of muscle-clad, sweaty men working out on either side. Beefcakes to the left and right and I had to go through the center of all of that. Lucky enough, my sense of obligation forced me to stay for the class, but I avoid all eye contact and walked swiftly.

I entered the room already filled with 20 people waiting to start the class. Oh God! I hate crowds of people when I'm working out. Not to mention, most of the people in the class seemed to all be in college. So here I am in this class with my sports bra pinching, knees aching, with the entire cast from Glee! in front of me going over dance moves. What made matters worst was the room became a human fish bowl as all the muscle boys, glistening with sweat, walked over and watched us, finger pointing and all.

The saving grace in this undesirable situation was the fact that my friend was a really good teacher! Her class was so fun and engaging, I could feel some of the doom and gloom that I had been saturating myself with going away. I'm not sure if it was the class or the universe already prepping me for change, but whatever it was, I hadn't felt that way in a long while.

More than a month in and I now dance up front with the Glee! kids, well sorta semi-front. I felt personally honored when one of them took time out to show me the count on one of the moves. Their praise and connection really made me feel good about myself. As for the fishbowl effect, I can't say that I am used to it yet, but I have decided that it won't stop me from sweating and having a good time.

Even when things seem low, there is always something to guide you in the right direction even when you don't want it.

So now when I enter the gym, I let me lip gloss pop and smile my way to the classroom. Cuz all eyes on me...

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

Thicke

I'm reaping the harvest God promised me!

Take back what the devil stole from me!

& I rejoice today for I shall recover it all!

Today I cussed out Robin Thicke! That's right! I did it! And somehow I just can't stop rueing the day he was born. I hate to say this about Sir Thicke. I mean, let's face it, with all the love he shows the sisters he has always been in my good graces. AND HE CAN HOLD A NOTE. Oh yes, theoretical wet panties abound. But last night he earned my ire. I tried to go to bed, sleep on it but when I woke up in the morning the anger, the disgust, the betrayal - it was all still right there!

Oh, wait. You want to know what he did? Well, let's see if I can make it plain. Last night while driving home I was talking to a very recent ex with whom I used to have (ex)istential sex. And though I don't want him any more and I accept that, even if I did, it can never be I must be honest and admit there are parts of him that made me feel free! You see, smooth fuckin and thorough lovin are just two of the things one's body requires at 30 and that brotha provided at least one of the requirements! And therefore, while hearing his words about what he missed with me just made me want to vomit, hearing his voice made me remember strong arms and headboards knocking. It was clear - I had to get off the phone.

Our first night after we decided to be exclusive he told me "sleep now because after tonight I may never let you sleep again" and rolled over to catch a few x's ,y's & z's. And blessed assurance, that negro wasn't lying. When in the same room we never slept a wink. So while I wish I could take his personality and drop it over a cliff I have to keep it real and own the fact that there are parts of him that I will miss. It was clear - I had to get off the phone.

And I did! I put on my very wet big girl panties and said "niggah bye". Turned up my radio, which is always tuned to the gospel station and commenced to praising the I AM. Somehow, it didn't distract from the fact that I am horny as hell. Singing "God will provide all your needs" while silently fuming "clearly He won't" wasn't gonna get me to heaven. Being non-clairvoyant and in a state of need I figure maybe I just need to change the station. Find Pink or some other angry ass 30 something to give me some clarity and help me turn this energy into something productive like anger! Well, be careful what you ask for! I turn the station and enter...Thicke. ..

It's your body we'll go hard if you want to

hard as you want to, soft as you want to

Just let me love you, lay right here, I'll be your fantasy

Give you sex therapy. I'll give you sex therapy.

I know what you're thinking...why not just change the station? I did. Guess what they were playing?? C'mon I'll give you one guess.

It's your body we can love if you want to

Scream if you want to, loud if you want to

Just let me love you, lay right here, girl don't be scared of me

I'll give you sex therapy. Give you sex therapy

By the time I hit station three and verse four I was screaming "fuck you Robin Thicke!" I just didn't need it. I even tried a 4th station. Those jackasses were playing some level of insanity called Birthday Sex. What the hell is that? And this child (I'm assuming that's what it was because only a tween would be excited about the idea of "birthday sex") was saying it like he was gonna do something profound. I'm too grown for birthday sex. Hell, your birthday only comes once a year!! If you aint making me swing from the chandeliers every single time we get down then, trust boo, you won't be invited to the birthday. Who the hell rations out good sex once a year and then sings about it like he's doing her ass a favor! Even told her to "get ready". Wowzers. Really dude?? Good sex with your mate is that much of a unnatural occurrence?? Yeah, only a tween would swoon at that nonsense & believe her "man" is doing her a solid by dusting off his dick skillz once a year and presenting it as a gift.

Anywho so I was forced to listen to either Jesus Loves Me or Thicke. Thicke...where every verse made me remember the thickness of other things that I should not have been thinking about. The thickness of his promises. The thickness of the love I thought we could have. The thick silence in the room when I told him this thing aint never gonna work while looking at the thickness of his thighs. The thickness of...too many things. Sex Therapy my ass. So, I selpt on it. Tried to get away from hearing his voice which I swear makes the memory of his hands on me feel real. Tried to escape the wishes he placed in my ear. Tried to tuck his tongue & verbal praise under my pillow. Tried to forget that I needed exactly what he and Robin Thicke wanted me to want. I tried. It aint work. Damn you Robin Thicke! I think I could have let his conversation wash over me if I could just hear some Guns & Roses but noooo....really dude?? Every damn station. Reminding me my needs are showing.

So yep. I cussed out Robin Thicke. I didn't want to blame him but I couldn't call the ex back. Nope! The more I thought about it the more frustrated I became until morning arrived. I thought maybe a good shower and a productive day at work would clear the blues away. Started to cheer up until a lady stepped on the train....iPod blaring...guess what was playing. Just f'n guess!!!!!! I was so amped by the time I got to work that I said to hell with maturity. It made more sense to climb up on Thicke's facebook fan page and tell him to go straight to hell! So I did. That's the last time he will climb up in my car making promises that he can't keep! Damn rude, that's what it is. Following people around like that when their needs are showing.

Sidebar: For those who are wondering why don't I just call a dude to break me off, let's get clear on some things, I don't have casual sex. Nothing against those that do. It's just a matter of knowing ones self. Webster's defines casual as lacking interest or effort. I've seen my sex. Aint nothing casual about it. This here is a full bodied experience in a petite package. So, I only let a man experience my body if we are in a state of exclusive commitment and sometimes...not even then. So a break-in-case-of-emergency calls weren't an option either.

So now I sit, as I've done all day, singing gospel songs and trying to get my mentals in check. Trying not to call the ex. Trying to remember that I'm supposed to wait for a righteous brother. Trying not to let my hormones dictate my actions. After all, I'm 30 frickin years old & too smart to just invest so much on such a short return. Nope. Gotta have faith in God's plan for me and whomever my life mate will be. After all, It's 2010! I learned back in 2009 that my faith should always be bigger, stronger, thicker than my circumstance. Am I not reaping the harvest God promised me when I was sewing in 2009? Of course I am. I may not have my dream job but in this economy, thanks to choices I made in 2009, I do have a job. I may not have my dream home, but in this real estate market where so many were duped out of their homes, I still have a roof over my head. I may not have the soul mate but thanks to sticking to my promises that I made to God in 2009 I'm not in a world of hurt and settling for some dude just for a warm bed. So no more pining for the pieces I miss. Only focusing on the parts I'm gaining by being single. But first...before I could see clearly...I had to cuss out Robin Thicke! Oh yeah & delete the ex's number from my phone.

I'm reaping the harvest God promised me

Take back what the devil stole from me

& I rejoice today for I shall recover it all

~Shai

Sex Therapy by Robin Thicke

Faithful is our God by Hezekiah Walker