Putting the spring back in my step!!

Dear readers, my bad! I haven't been incog-negro by choice. Got a lil teeny tiny virus that rendered me a bit helpless for a minute but thankfully I'm baaaaackkkk!. So while this post should start off with:

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you
without a strong beat to step to

yeah..it won't! LOL but during my absence I did some robust spring cleaning. I'm talking physical, mental and emotional. Cleansed my aura and my house! New kitchen countertops, new carpets and harwood floors laid. A sista's been busy. And speaking of hardwood...while cleansing my emotions a not so oldie but always damn goodie came (take that anyway you want it) across my path. Pitting my need to grow and my desire to flow at odds with each other. He's one of those situations that a sister could get serious about or could get seriously hurt - no inbetween. Hmm..I know sounds like a "keep it moving" situation. And that's why when we first started dealing with each other I put the k-bash on the whole damn thing. But damn if a negro isn't sexy and persistent. He's determined to keep me on the edge of self discovery. Got me trying to decide if I should just say too little too late or tell this brother

if at first ya don't succeed

you can brush it off and try again

just brush yourself off and try again

Since he's a bit more "old school" than Aaliyah allows, let's see, how can we do this post righteous....I know. Rock with me on this for a few.

I been staring at your photograph

wondering where you're at today

and I been hanging by the telephone

hoping you'd call home so I can say

He caught me on the IM. 'Really babe? I had to call you and hear some dude tell me you changed your number'. Now I know what you're thinking..clearly you did negro cuz, shit, aint that the way it happened? Ok, fast foward. So I allow for the chat even if not the question (sailed right on past that shit without an acknowledgement or explanation) and say to him "that tells me the last time you called considering it's been a min since I changed my number." He smiles. I can feel it. He says "there's a lot I want to say to you but, I'll be honest, I didn't know if you wanted to hear my voice. I was hoping that you would call me."

Now...that's some bullshit if ever I heard it. I swear, ladies, if u need a hint whether your man is lying, it usually happens right after he starts a sentence with "I'll be honest". The really pathetic part of it is I'm sure there's a grain of truth to be found in it. True he didn't know if I wanted to hear his voice. Also true, he isn't the type to give a damn about whether I did or didn't want to hear it. He's not that weak. I know him. He lives with a sense of entitlement. If he wants something, he'll go get it. So the reason he provides for the lapse in time (the part immediately following "I'll be honest") is the lie he's telling me. Now that same sense of entitlement makes it absolutely possible that he was expecting that, even though I said goodbye, I'd be the one calling him. That was the lie he told himself. And while I don't delight in his word play, just between you and I, I was glad to hear from him. And to him, that's something I'd never say so I guess we were both fronting. And as they say, fair exchange is no robbery, so I let it slide. And though in all that time I never rang his line either because, like him, I would rather we hold on to the things we want to hear rather than confront the things we should say...he didn't let me stay comfortable long. As stated, when he wants something he will go get it and so it wasn't long before he hit me with it.

You told me, You needed

more walks, more talks, more feeling close to me

I want to be close to you

I didn't know you needed

some roses, some romance, some candlelight

a good slow dance

but that's not how its been

maybe we can try again

It was a week into what was becoming daily conversations. Hell, we didn't talk that much when we were admittedly dealing with each other so of course I ask him...are you dying, ill, gonna be a daddy? He paused, obviously confused that I blurted that out in the middle of discussing what size sofa to buy, and chuckled right before drawing out the word "Nooo. What in the world would make you ask that?" I told him that since we never were consistent about our conversations I'm just waiting to find out what's the change. He says "oh! I don't need it back." ok family are u having a wtf? moment like I was? of course ya are. He continues "I've loved you since I met you. Told you that. Whether you believe it or not, I love you. I can settle with it. I have no choice. I figure I'm meant to because no matter how many times we lose touch or you push me away I always fall back in love with you. So I'm going to love you the way you were meant to be loved and I don't expect to get it from you in return. I'll fuck up along the way. I'm sincerely sorry for the fuck ups I've made thus far but I love you. You don't have to give it back. I know you aren't ready. but I am where I am with you. Deal with it and tell me about this sofa."

I remember all the days gone by

and I'm wondering why I couldn't see

that I could search the whole world over

and never find what you've been giving to me

So we continue our discussions of sofas and whatever else the days bring. Only touching on the "love" subject if I ask a question. One day I was bold enough to ask him, why are you being so persistent? You never needed me. His response "Of course I needed you. Is that what made you put distance? What we have I can only have with you. You're the other part of it so of course I need you. But whatever babe. Guess that's one more thing I have to show you." I put distance for a multitude of reasons. One was that I felt he didn't need me. Add to that I never felt appreciated or distinctly valued. Part of that was I felt more for him at the time than he felt for me which isn't his fault but no one walks out of that situation with a sense of fulfillment so I walked out with my dignity instead. We knew we wanted something more out of each other but we were on different levels of want. Same destination, different paths to get there.

As the month of this interaction has gone by he waits. Let's me set the pace of it. I appreciate that. Never wavering on his position but not pressuring me either. As I slowly tell him what he did to make me feel a certain way or what I need to see happen he learns and is open to it. More than before. I even see him making a conscious effort with certain things that go a long way.

I remember it
I told you, I needed

more time, more space, more freedom

free to do girl, what I want to do

I gave you no roses, no romance, no candlelight

and no slow dance

but that's just how it's been

maybe we can try again

I'm not convinced. Don't trust it. Don't trust him. But in the spirit of spring cleaning when you often, in all that digging around, discover some things you forgot you had...maybe just maybe there's some room for discovery with him. Maybe one day, when I'm done sorting what I don't need from the stuff I forgot I wanted, I'll be comfortable enough to explore what I feel for him without hesitation. If he keeps it up I may, just this once, try again.

~Shai

Try Again by Aaliyah

Try Again by Champaign