Saturday, March 20, 2010

God, I'm exhausted.

The past few weeks have been draining. Mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually.

Spiritually. Hmm..

I've been trying to observe Lent this year. I'm not Catholic. I'm not even that religious. But I wanted to do it. This would be maybe the 3rd time in my life that I would even observe it. But I wanted to do it. Perhaps needless to say, I broke the fast early. And in this moment, right now, I am sad. Like literally, close to tears.

Will God stop loving me because I broke the fast? No. But I'm just now realizing that I entered into Lent kinda mindlessly. No clear spiritual purpose, just "I'm gonna do this, YES I AM!". And in that moment, I lost out on an opportunity for spiritual growth. And in this moment, I realize that I am slowly drifting away from Center. And that's why I'm sad.

But we're here to talk about love, and all things pertaining thereto, yes?

I met a boy. Yes. I met a boy. I met 3, in fact.

One is a delightful young man. But immature. That is to say, he's a year younger than I am. And I'm kinda grandmotherly in nature, so let's do the math: most women are about 4 years more mature than their male counterparts. Me, I'm just fuggin old. So that makes me 4 + donkeyyears older than this young man. He's got buoyous spirit that I enjoy. Not bad looking either. But I think he's also got rough edges. He only hangs out with the same dudes that he grew up with. PROBLEM. I mean, he rocks with a crew of go-getters (all have masters' degrees, some have doctorates), but it's the same crew, all the time. C'mon, son!
Also, he is hyper sensitive. P.R.O.B.L.E.M., because I crack jokes all day. And not even risque jokes. Everything gets to him. Ugh.

Then there's dude #2: man. I really, really like this dude. He's ex-military.

Ponder that for a second. *grin*

Decent guy, decent job, decent mortgage, only one kid from a previous marriage. I like this man. Here's the thing: when we first started "talking", he kept talking about how he didn't see himself getting re-married anytime soon. PROBLEM. Let me be clear, if I've never done so before: I INTEND TO GET MARRIED, AND SOON. If I don't get married, then okay, I'll just adopt a kid or 2 and be cool. But any guy I'm rolling with, at this point in my life? Husband material, or wasted material. Period. Please believe. So at some point, Dude #2 and I need to have Le Talk.

Dude #3: Well actually, he's not even a contender. I've told yall about him. We'll call him Wesley because he loves pulling Disappearing Acts. He wants to hang out now. He wants to introduce me to his family now. He wants to be in my world now.



And let's be clear: this isn't a vengeance thing. No, seriously. He just got to that magical FUCKYOU point in my life. Once you hit that mark, there's no coming back. And he did. So I will always care for him, always wish him the best in life. But I will no longer create room in my life for him.

So there's my man situation. What will be interesting, is if all 3 disappear out of my life. LOL

Here's something even funnier: that's not what's been stressing me out. Not in entirety. I'm just in one of those weird "holding patterns" in life, you know?

Ah, what do you care...

How do I de-fuzz my focus?

1 comment:

  1. Not donkey years sis! LOLOLOL. I need it never to be donkey years. You said a lot that resonated with me. As much as I respect the trinity (cuz that's when the spirit moves fully) I get the feeling even that 3rd one has a purpose right now. Not the one he wants...but somehow he fits in the equation for a change yet to be seen. I'll keep tuned...u know I have 3 moving around me right now too. One old...two new. I'll update ya next week.