Sunday, March 28, 2010

Death of a salesman

my apologies for being off schedule the last few weeks. my personal schedule has been haywire lately.

i'm about to come at you on something real personal.

okay, you know everyone has that one moment that splits their life into the "before XYZ" and "after XYZ"? or that one relationship that has the same effect? yeah...

God, i loved him. part of me still does. and i know part of him still loves me. and always will. he's all married and making babies now, so this isn't about wanting to get back with him. i've made many mistakes in my life, and have a trail of regrets behind me. but leaving him was one of the best things i've ever done in my life. it is one thing i do not regret. it quite possibly saved my life.

see, that relationship taught me a lesson that i may never forget: not all that feels good, is good. not even love.

not all love is good love.

i left him 7 years ago. so why, why, GOD why do i still mourn that relationship? i haven't had a real relationship since him. i've had relationships. even a couple of whispers of wedding bells. but i can't stop thinking about that relationship.

let me be clear: it's not him, that i miss, it's what he brought to the table. the good stuff, of course. it's the relationship i'm mourning. it's the relationship i'm missing. it's the relationship that my heart can't forget.

let me try to explain. i felt safe in that relationship. shit, i don't know if i need to say any more. i felt secure in his ability to provide for (what i thought would be) our future family. i didn't feel the need to "raise" him or be the strong one. or be the soldier. we were both soldiers. and let me tell you, that's a priceless feeling. i haven't had that since.

i could be me with him. silly. quirky. freaky. intelligent. ambitious. i didn't have to apologize for ANY of that. i didn't have to cloak it. i didn't have to worry about it. because he matched me, gusto for gusto. and more. he taught me things. for a while there, i grew as a person with him.

i don't miss him. because i'm very clear that the man i fell in love with never really existed. but how do i stop longing for the relationship that was real? maybe my next relationship will give me the room to be me like that again. although, given how things are now with me and dude (yeah, i met a boy... same boy... still going), i don't know. i already find myself holding back. "he can't take it... he'll run... he'll think i'm weird... i gotta think of his feelings... he can't feel less than... hold back. hold back. hold back." this has been a refrain through practically every relationship that i've ever had.

is that just me?

i am weird. and, here's a funny thing: i like it. i like my brand of weirdo. i'm not talking-to-pigeons weird. but i'm an outlier. there are certain... expectations.. of a woman like me. and i don't always meet them. fuck em. if it doesn't suit me, i shrug it off. but if it does work for me, i wear it. result: if i were furniture, i'd be "transitional". you know... traditional + modern? i'd be traditional + whatthefuck.

i like whatthefucks.

but back to XYZ. to be fair, it's not that he could handle ALL my quirks. i don't think any one man can. hell, i can't. every once in a while i look at myself in the mirror and just shake my head and smile. so yeah, i'm a handful, i know it.. and i'm not looking back on the relationship with rose-colored glasses. i see it for what it was.

i'm just mourning, that's all. i guess.

"I've always been told I am one in a million
And my heart, a man must earn.
But loving you, my dear, is oh so easy;
It is loving me that I've had to learn."

- (c) Sugarbrown

1 comment:

  1. you said in more words what i said today. while it makes me feel better that somebody, hell anybody, else is experiencing this with me, i'd still rather this weren't occurring in anyone's life. this isht sucks BAD!!

    how the hell do you stop missing the cat you don't want?? question of the day. & a hefty reward to anyone who can answer it for me & help me move the fluck on!!