Monday, January 25, 2010

Liars & Tyrants & Ballers...oh my!

I've never been the type to drool over the proverbial "bad boy". In fact, I've never been the type to drool. I've been blessed to have an abundance of fairly normal to, dare I say, well intentioned male friends. Good guys. The kind that will laugh with you before they laugh at you and sincerely hope you never cry. Now don't get it twisted. Not all that glitters is gold.

You see, I learned early on in life (thank God) I, like so many other sisters, have been bamboozled. Not by those men. Nope. By my original tribe. The ancestrial voices coupled with teachers, scholars...hell, Grandma & moms. oh yes. Liars. Now, they didn't mean any harm by it. In the midst of parting ponytails, making school lunches, trying not to cuss or flirt "in front of the girls", commands to pull your skirt down and your underwear up some shit just gets glossed over. It's hard work being a tribe of women tasked with raising a strong willed girl to be something the rest of the ancestors can be proud to call the reason for their blood, sweat and tears. So some lessons just get glazed over. One such lesson that is taught way too often and without genuine reflection is the directive to 'find yourself a nice guy and settle down'.

First - I don't settle. The very idea is unappealing so why would you couple such a thing with a mating lesson?

Second - really? just that simple huh? that's it? he just has to be nice?

This brings me back to the "nice guys" I know and the all that glitters aint gold theory. Brothers relax and rock with me for a few on this one.

Now I've sat and listened to the complaints and mumblings those friends make when the current object of their affections wasn't really trying to hear it. Truth - there were times when, for some, I was the "uncooperative" interest. They puff up. They try to look confident. And when they are good and ready to believe it's never going to happen with that chick (or the last one and maybe not the next one) they go into a dismissive stance of:
  • Yall claim you want a good brother but then you chase after raggedy niggaz who treat you like shit
  • Yall hoes only want money or dudes who aint about shit. So I'm gonna start treating yall like yall treat me
  • See I try and do the right thing and yall just wanna play a brother

....and yall say we are emotional/drama queens. Really dude? Rock with me on this. Just because you are a good dude doesn't mean you are the dude for her. The fact that she knows that before you do doesn't make her grimey or unappreciative of your "goodness". It makes her blessed to know herself. Doesn't mean she's chasing "bad boys" or only after money. It simply means she doesn't want your ass.

Think about it. It takes more than being a good dude for you to be the right dude for any one particular woman or else you'd be the conclusive soul mate of every righteous chick on the planet. If we give in to the idea that there is one person for everyone than, self proclaimed "good guy" or not, you are going to meet more chicks who aren't interested since in the end can't be but one chick for you.

On the flip side, let's say, despite her nagging feeling that you aren't the one, you convince her to take a chance with you. You will still end up grumbling in the end. It always makes me laugh when dudes get the "er" face and ask "why is it that yall can be all cool and everything match up but then as soon as you get in a relationship she changes". She doesn't fool, the situation does. It's easy to be cool, chillin, sexually "feelin the vibe" when there's no responsibility attached. Once you man up to take a journey with this woman into a stronger foundation you are responsible for maintaining the balance and health of that process. In short, shit changes.

However, if you want all the rights and none of the responsibility understand you just dropped out of "good guy" status and the line for man-whores, "break in case of emergency" dick & other succubi is on the under side of heaven and therefore you must pass the earth plane and promptly descend two levels down to make pleasantries with your co-horts (liars, tyrants, & "ballers"...oh my!)...and in this we wish you well. If you choose, because one must recognize as a point of appreciation that it is a choice, to remain "one of the good guys" then respect that you asked for this process don't whine or shy away from the responsibility of it. There is no honor in that.

Now sisters, your turn to rock with me for a few. I KNOW you were told the same lie I was told. And on your "search" for this mythical "good guy" you find yourself in one of two situations. Either trying to figure out why all the "good men" are taken (since you can't find one) or why it never seems to work out (when you do find one). Let's take it a piece at a time.

  • All the good guys are taken -

Do you have male friends? Than unless you surround yourself with grimey men clearly the good men aren't all taken. They are your friends. And you had the chance to make it more than that and passed on it. Probably for the basic reason that you just weren't sexually attracted to that particlar dude. It is possible for a man to be both nice and ugly. Nice and dumber than a doorknob. Nice with no ambition. Nice with 4 babies and 3 baby mamas (he's nice to everyone). Nice and still living with his mama. Nice and, well, not for you.

  • Why does it seem to never work out when you do find a "good man" -

Not every good man makes for a good mate. This was the truth I struggled with. I have a few exes who I know, in hindsight, we should have stayed friends. Good guys. Horrible mates. Who your "good guy" friend is as a man that has your back and has gotten you through other break-ups, etc. is not always who he is as a mate. Now he has sexual expectations, a desire to share his extensive porn collection and the need for constant gratification. Crap you didn't have to think about when yall were just kickin it. Think of it in the same way you think of your female friends. We all have that female friend who is your ace! She's got a plan and a good heart. Always has her business in order and there for you when you need her but somehow f's up every romantic relationship she's in. Good peeps. Bad mate. Your guy friends can have the same "syndrome".

All in all, this isn't an exact science. Regardless of the easy breezy strategy our foremothers provided, it's not as black and white as simply finding a good guy or girl and just "settling down" for whatever companionship they provide. It takes chemistry (sexual and mental), patience, affection and a whole list of "unique to you" other attributes for you to even be willing to consider them as a mate. So *raising my glass* here's to walking into a season of trying to grasp the complexities of the good men vs the good mates and figure out how to locate the man for me that can serve as both.

~ Shai


  1. there's also a difference between a 'nice'guy and a 'good man.' too many of us don't know the difference. but believe me, it's possible to be a nice asshole. too easy.

  2. Yeah, succubi is really not a good look for me this year!!