Monday, January 11, 2010

How Many Turkeys Can One Sister Take?

Hope you had a great holiday season. Mine was...well, it was. I invited a "too interested" friend (we shall dub him NEXT! since that's what I felt like yelling everytime he came near me) who had no way of getting home to his family. Though completely unintentional on his part, it's getting so that his very presence bothers me. Trying to sit near me. Trying to hold my hand. Giving MY family members, that he just met 5 minutes ago, nicknames. NEXT! even "saved" me a seat next to him at MY dinner table. How, as an invited guest, are you going to be in my house directing MY relatives where they can and can't sit all in the name of "saving" seats?

My grandmother kept pretending he was someone else.

"hey you're the one she brought to her mother's recital...right?"
"no Grand. that was W"
"oh, well where is he? I liked him - he was cute."

"hey you're the one we met last Christmas...right?"
"no Grand. That was T and you met him every Christmas for the entire four years we were together."
"oh. well where is he?? I liked him - he could eat!"

"oooh I know, I know! you're the one she brought to the uncles birthday party last month ... right?
"no Grand. That was J and u've seen him every year since I was 4."
"oh. Well where is he??? I liked him - A LOT - if I was 5 years younger..."
my grand daddy's head snapped up as he said "50....if you were 50 years younger"

And my all time favorite - At the end of the night, when all was said and done, NEXT! was hugging folks goodbye like it was New Year's eve. He gets to Grand...

"who da hell are you???? - in here huggin folks like we know you! nasty ass strangers"

I just told NEXT! she has Alzheimers. I don't even know if NEXT! believed me. Common sense would tell you, clearly, if she can remember every negro from my past, she doesn't have Alzheimers. She has lie-heimers. She knew who that boy was (or at least who he wasn't). She's just a rabble rouser. But I guess NEXT! wanted it to be true.

NEXT! just patted my hand in a sympathetic manner and said "oh, I understand - hopefully you won't have to put her in a home." I assured him "Not unless it's the crazy house." I took another sip of wine and snatched my hand away as Grand kicked me under the table - the lil rat, I swear.



  1. I hope NEXT comes to Thanksgiving next year. That was great! I hope Grand gives him the "come on, Cletus.. come on, Cletus" look next time lol

  2. We should all take a cue from Grand and claim Alzheimers when we are advanced and unwarrantedly...

  3. Alzheimers is a wonderful thing.. Great story. Looking forward to reading more :-)

  4. I enjoyed this post. Grand is a hot mess! LOL Almost made me feel sorry for NEXT...I said "almost."