Good evening. My name is Sugar Brown. Or, at least...ok yeah fugg it; my name is Sugar Brown.
This is the news.
Top headline: it is now 2010. you know what that means, right? yes. new year's rituals. let's GO!
1. the jillian curse
everybody you know will (re)discover their gym membership card, wipe the dust, cobwebs and late payments off that bitch, grab their forlorn and previously neglected sneakers (mine have a gangster lean at this point), stock up on ipods, iphones, ivibrators and march to their nearest hazing headquarters.
they will sweat. they will feel good. and here's my favorite part:
they will feel the need to tell everyone all about it.
so to all my fellow humans out there battling the bulge, i say: SHUT whatiscalled THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT ALREADY. nobody wants to hear that shit. you said it in 2009. and 08. and when you turned 30. and when you turned 25. and when you first met him/her. and when s/he dumped you.
now, i'm not saying you won't succeed, this time. i mean, why SHOULDN'T this time be different from all 1, 928, 209, 762 times you've tried in the past? no, not saying that at all.
i'm saying, 'do or do not. better yet, just DO. but shut up.' those who are gonna make things happen, will do so. it won't require an ad in the washington post. it won't require a cyber support network. it won't require hypercritical let's-all-go-out-but-only-share-one-appetizer self-delusion. (cuz bish you know you're gonna be wolfing down a double cheeseburger on the way home, the moment your car is safely out of sight.)
2. the rolodex cleanse
ok i'm fully aware that the only people who still use a rolodex are typically over 50. (hi mom... dad.) but we all have one in some form or another, usually our cell phone address books.
i particularly enjoy this ritual. i like to purge. in general.
sorry, i actually drifted off on a daydream of purging rituals. where were we... oh yes. the rolodex cleanse. okay so this is where we all go through our address books and clean it up a bit. phone books. facebook friends. twitter lists. (who da fawk is annie00htxxx??) email lists. CB radio frequencies. whatever... we enjoy the symbolic act of deleting the undeserving and preserving the contact information of the precious few whom we deem worth the effort. thereby winding up with a meagre 2, 376 friends on facebook. ha! take THAT, you 23 people i deleted!!
funny, you never consider the question, "who's deleting ME right now?"
it also means, however, that you discover people you had 'forgotten' about since last year. which also means someone or some people are discovering YOU. which leads to...
3. the rolaid-ex (chu are digging my verrrrd play, yesss?)
the rolaid ex. the ex that won't go away. like bad gas. he rediscovers you every year. usually through a holiday chain txt msg. beware, because once you respond with '..and you too', he's got you. he now knows that you're alive, your number is still the same, and you didn't delete his # (otherwise you'd have responded 'who da fok is this?').
more on him, after these messages...
please note: i didn't mention haiti or the hell they're going through right now, because words truly cannot express what's in my heart. GIVE, people. don't talk. DO. give. now. more. NOW.