Happy Valentine's Day Sisters & Brothers

To the sisters:

This day & every day:

• may we find love, home and peace right where we are.
• Treat yourself & love yourself better than any man can so you can properly set the standard
• Please enjoy the video (click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0R6aXZjwT8

Thank you brothers:

To powerful minds, deep voices, & strong hands.*

• Michael, Big Mike, Malcolm X, Solomon, Samson, Wes, Sean

To committed hearts, fierce fighters, & passionate lovers.*

• Donta, Brandon, Randy, Buffalo Soldiers, Jon, Ed, the men in Haiti still looking 4 their wives

To men who bow their heads, read their books, raise their fists, handle their business, & NEVER abandon their families.*

• Brandon, Sean, Mr. D, Drake, Lincoln, Billy P., Shai's Grandfather,Uncle B., Jon Jon, Keith B., Wes

To beautiful men who still have the glow of God in their eyes.*

• Billy P., Sean, Jon Jon, Donta, Shai's Grandfather, Malik, Keith B., Wes, Brandon

To every brother worldwide, who ever had a meaningful conversation with us

• Mr. D, Mr. S, Tash, Wes, Rocky, Donta, Brandon

To every brother who ever taught me a lesson or shared a perspective that I did not consider*

• Mr. D, Mr. S, Dad, Grandfather, Keith B., Donta, Wes, Pastor

To all the brothers who show me both love & respect

• Wes, Sean, Jasper, Jon Jon, Rocky, Donta Mark, Maurice, Brandon, Rashodd

To every brother who ever considered my words, thoughts, & feelings and used them to make a positive change in their own lives*

• Sean, Mo, Justice, Tash, Greyson, Donta

To every brother who ever stood by my side, back and front in death & difficult times.

• Sean, Jon Jon, Dewight, Lark, Bronson, Donta

The ones who did not run & hide when my voice hit the target, my words seared the soul, or my truth made things too damn clear*

• Bronson, Lark, Mr. D, Sean, Reggie, Rashodd

To the brothers who prove to be the best lovers. Not because we ever had anything physical. We didn't. Because you loved my spirit, my anger, my strength, my mind...even when I thought it was stank.

• Sean, Tash, Wes, Reggie, Bronson, Samson, Donta

To the brothers who taught/remind me not every lesson has to be a painful. Some men come to restore.

• Jon Jon, Grandfather, Dewight, Mark, Bronson, Donta

To the brothers who made me feel beautiful, protected & valued

• Sean, Rocky, Craig H., Bronson, Donta

To the brothers who are like the blood brothers I never had but always wanted

• Jon Jon, Ambrose, Will S., Will L., Delano, Donta

To the brothers who love, desire and honor black women exclusively

• Sean, Leon T., Bronson, Lamar, Will L., Mr. D, J, Michael, Big Mike, Amir, Jason, Mark H., Tyler

~Shai
Dedications phrases marked with an * are from a passage written by Sistah Souljah. Poetry by Amir Sulaiman

Fight The Power!

"Good evening; I'm Sugar brown. This here's Da Newz"

Top Story: Former President Clinton rushed... evac'd... whisked.. walks out of his office on his own two feet and is admitted to hospital for heart transplant stent implant, following complaint of chest pains...

In Other News: Metro Red Line explodes... falls off above-ground tracks... derailed; hundreds maimed... injured... perfectly okay, only 3 fatalities... serious.... minor injuries.

i'm so glad Pres. Clinton is doing far better than was initially reported. i can't STAND over-hype!

in fact, i was discussing this with my cousin. ok she's not really my cousin, but might as well be. she enjoys hype, thinks it just adds spice to life. "girl please," she chided, "you LOVE hype! like your boy, Bo." her remark was followed by that warm, familiar cackle.

i've known Bo for what... 5, 6 years now? there's always been a weird sexual tension between us. a weird, strong sexual tension. but when i met him he was on the last leg of his marriage. i don't sleep with married men.

not knowingly.

so i spent that time playing marriage counselor, and referring him and his soon-to-be-ex-wife to other counselors. i would later find out that all my 'help' actually wore on hislast nerve. and here i thought he actually wanted to save his marriage. things aren't always as they appear.

don't believe the hype. (cue Public Enemy bassline)

so anyway we lost touch for a while. by the time we re-connected (facebook is tha DEVIL), he was happily divorced and fully back on the market. i, of course, was single. (CSI Miami "Yeeeeahhhhh!!!") so we get to talkin, talkin, talkin... and then it hit me like a ton of bricks: he's damaged goods.

everyone carries baggage with them. fck what the self-help, ultra progressive mouthpieces say. we ALL have baggage. the trick might be to not get too comfortable with it. i believe life comes with all kinds of packages and some of them, gaddemit, you NEED to carry around with you, otherwise, you will lose the gift inside. not all baggage is bad. perhaps all baggage is just that - baggage. neither good nor bad. perhaps it's all about what you do with it.

but Bo, he doesn't just carry baggage. he delights in it. he enjoys the cruelty of the weight. he carries his baggage with an unhealthy possessiveness. he is happier than a pig in mud. and while i believe we all have the right to revel in our own mud, it doesn't, however, mean i'm about to revel in that shit with you.

bottomline, Bo isn't ready for another relationship. he can't bring himself to say it. because he and i share a weird, strong tension. and it isn't just sexual, to be honest. we think alike. i love, love, LOVE the sheer capacity of his mind. God help me, it's sexy. the way he thinks, his hunger for knowledge, and not just for knowledge's sake. not just to become a self-touting encyclopedia. he has a genuine love and curiosity for data. aww man, i think that's so sexy.

a genuine nerd. like me.

but Bo is damaged goods. i know this because whenever our interactions start to get emotionally intimate, he runs. like, that fckr literally disappears, and i won't hear from him for days on end. the longest stint, he was gone for months. that's when i knew that not only is he damaged, it's become a chasm that i simply don't have the emotional bandwidth to bridge. 10 years ago, i would have been strong enough for both of us...or at least i would have told myself i was. 5 years ago, i would have stretched out my hand and told him, if you'll just take my hand, baby, we can fight this thing together. but right now, the woman i am today? i simply haven't the capacity for all of that anymore. a man like that will love you, propose to you, and leave your ass standing at the altar. this last time, when he ran, i let him go. and i shut the door behind him.

he re-emerged and i opened a window. we've been in that mode ever since. i didn't ask him why he ran. not initially. i didn't tell him how much it hurt me to my heart. but i could hear the regret in his voice. i could sense the longing to walk back through the door. he knows something has changed. we both know it. but he's kept trying to get back in. in fairness to him, i'm not the cuss-you-out type. once i assess your position in my life, i don't feel the need to confront you with it. i don't need that kind of "closure". so it's easy to assume that i'm blind and stupid.

don't believe the hype.

eventually, i guess he figured it was time. time to have Le Talk.

"SugarBee, I want to make love to you. Let me make love to you."

5 1/2 years, on and off... and there it was: Let Me Make Love To You.

the longing was unmistakeable. the yearning in his plea had a familiar urgency to it. that unerring focus on the one and only thing on a man's mind at that.particular.moment. and i knew... i knew the sex was going to be off...the...chain.

"Bo... I'm sorry. No."

i could almost hear the glass shattering in his brain as i turned him down. firmly, gently, unyieldingly. because what didn't need to be said was,

MFCKR, ARE YOU NUTS?! do you reeeeally think i've been abstinent for years just so i can settle for your now-you-see-it-now-you-don't, self-centered, immature, emotionally sadomasochistic ASS???! you got the wrong... mudderfackin... ONE.

that was last week. i haven't really heard from him since. because just like that zero-in moment that men all share when they want the goods, he also has a fragile ego. men hate to be turned down. HATE it.

why did i turn him down? not just because he was unreliable. but... he asked to make love to me.

he never offered to love me.

i was surprised by that. i expected this man to know better. to do better. to want better.... for me.

so in spite of my cool, balanced assessment of this man i've known for half a decade... in spite of the clarity of mind with which i shut that door and never re-opened it... it turns out that even i can love a man who clearly wants to fck me, not love me. even i could fall for the hype.


"Until next time... I'm Sugar Brown."

What looks like random on an ordinary day...

Sooo...I'm snowed in. No real responsibility other than cleaning the house, which I will continue to put off as usual. Don't really feel like going back to sleep. I should read, which may make me sleepy, but I don't want to go to sleep. Randomness.

I'm feeling really reflective right now, but my thoughts are disjointed. There are no rhyme or reason to what I'm feeling or thinking. I can't seem to connect any links between them. I feel a little sad right now. I couldn't correct a sentence that I used in my post, so I scraped the whole frickin' thing. Damn, I didn't save it....there was a funny line I used and now I can't remember it.

I wonder what ever happened to that Smurf record player I had as a kid. Why did my mom give it away? She always throws away my stuff without asking me. That was pretty random right there. Maybe I have cabin fever...but I don't feel like putting on any clothes right now.

I should work on my taxes right now. Crap! I still don't have my W-2s yet. I hope they have Hip Hop class at the gym on Thursday. I still can't remember the moves from yesterday. Oh...I have a hair appointment on Saturday...I think its at 2pm.

My underwear drawer is a mess. I need to get rid of some of these, especially these canary yellow ones. They're not even cute. Ohhh...I should do a to-do list today, but I'd really like to see the Book of Eli. Okay, I don't know how I got a movie from a to-do list...that's definitely random.

I refuse to check my work e-mail on a snow day. Valentine's Day is coming up. My favorite Valentine's Day was in college. A few of the girls got together and threw an Anti-Valentine's Day party. They had signs and streamers up. I never danced and laughed so hard. Wait...aww shyt, Pandora's playing one of my favorite songs, Heartache Heartbreak by Patrice Rushen. I really like her soft voice. This songs speaks to my current love life sooooo well.

Alright, I need to get my mind together. What's going on with me today? Nothing is making sense. My mood is all over the place. I feel irrational right now. Hold up...let me check the calendar. "Aunt Flo" is due in town in about 2 days.

DAMN!! Makes perfect sense...

~ T-Gyrl

Why aren't you married yet?

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself. makes me want to lose myself in your arms. something in your voice makes my heart beat fast. I hope this feeling lasts for the rest of my life.

Why aren't you married yet?

I hate that question. Not because it makes me feel less than or as if I'm behind in the race to the altar. Nope. It's because folks are ignorant enough to assume I'm out here racing at all. I've felt intense lust. Not the sexual kind. Intense emotional lust that makes songs like Edwina Hayes "Feels Like Home" resonate within me. Old lovers, now forgotten, that made me hope the heart palpitations weren't just gas and that the feeling of looking into his eyes lasts longer than an orgasm. Intense emotional lust that made me think of children and becoming something new in his eyes. And that's where it stopped. The moment I realized I didn't want to be someone new. I don't want to lose myself. I worked to damn hard to become a woman I'm proud of. So if being around him makes me want to reshape and repurpose old lessons...I'm suddenly no longer interested.

If you knew how lonely my life has been. and how I've felt so alone. and if you knew how I wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done.

Why aren't you married yet?

I hate that question. Not because it makes me feel as if I lack some mythical completeness. Heaven knows, I was born complete. A mate is supposed to simply compliment. I hate it because it reminds me of how broken everyone is. Rock with me on this one...

I know a ton of women who are married. Don't know (save Grand) one chick who has a husband. So while they are busy asking me why aren't I married, I'm busy wondering why the hell are they? Usually I clean all that up by simply responding "I never had an example of marriage that was appealing enough to make it something I aggressively aspire to". Usually it's two desperate people running from the fear of loneliness. Married to someone they hate, or who hates them, because of the kids. The same kids who, by the way, hate both of them because of all the nonsense they are forced to witness. Getting married because of "all these years" I've put into this. When all you have is "all these years", with not one positive emotion to show for it in the present time, charge it to the game. Or because...it sounded like a good idea, that's what you are supposed to do, u needed validation that someone wanted you, etc, etc! And I get it. Not knocking it. As long as you are both in that boat together we won't rock it. But don't question why the rest of us aren't in a mad dash to sink with you.

It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me. It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from. It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

Why am I not married?

Now, let's be clear. I'm not against marriage. I just don't see an example of one that makes me want to sprint to the altar with any dude who asks. If I were to visualize the shape of my marriage than I must admit I'm looking for something different. And in a world of conformists, my something different is going to take some time.

I've been on my own since I was 16, sleeping at a friend's house for nights at a time. I've survived cancer and feeling like a stranger in my own body twice. I've gotten myself through the disappointment of heartache and break and feeling like my heart was someone's toy. I've been through nights under the stars and backseats of cars. I've been through buying my own house...just so someone else can live in it. I'm waiting for the one that finally makes me feel like I'm home. Oh yes, I'm looking for something else. Not perfection but perfect for me. Not something to "complete me" or make me feel completely at odds with my values. Not the imitation marriages that I see. If I wanted just to be married, I have three engagement rings that tell me that could have happened long ago. No! I want a husband. I want my mate. I represent women who have been orphaned by society, your body & your heart. Women who are strong in who they are as a result of having to pick themselves up and build a house (of cards, emotions, or hope) right where they are, shanty town as it may be. I guess women like me are simply waiting for the one that finally feels like home.

~Shai

Song Lyrics are from Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes

All hail Nat King Cole

"Good evening, I'm Sugar Brown; dis here's da newz."

Top Story: Mid-Atlantic Corridor Slammed by Blizzard! VA Governor declares state of emergency...

that's right, people, the east coast is snowed in. so of course, i didn't go to work. instead i stayed home and cooked. and drank. and watched tv. bad, bad tv. (everybody gets a reality show these days, wtf?) and cleaned. and cooked some more.

after wearing my ass out, i finally sat down on the couch, and just as i felt myself dozing off, the phone rang. it was The Call.

you know that call. it's the call that you reserve for special occasions. well, not so much because it's "special" in the romantic sense. more like "break glass in case of emergency" type of special.

24" of snow and climbing. temps at negative hell. i'm out of things to cook and movies to watch. and i'm alone.

this is a mudderfackin emergency.

"hey baby, haven't heard from you in a wh.. huh? yeah i was just thinking maybe you should come ov...."

i had no sooner said "...ver" than he was at my door, grinning like a cheshire cat. whatever, he brought liquor. so in he came. i'd forgotten how sexy he is. 6'4, chocolate with a low fade. gotdayumn. but you know what i found more sexy than his idris elba smile? his hands. oh he has THEE most beautiful, manly hands.

*i'd better calm down.*

we talked. we ate. we drank. we laughed. we drank. we talked. we drank. and before you knew it, we'd forgotten all about the arctic diarrhea outside. all that remained was us. and the liquor. but mostly us. and after the 3rd go-round, as we lay on my 600-ct sheets, i found myself struggling to remember why i'd never gotten serious with allen. he was single, never married. straight as the crow's flight. sexy as all get-out. he doesn't have a college degree but he works with his hands. there's gotta be a catch somewhere.

wait, did i mention his hands? heaven give me strength. *swoon*

he started off as a contractor, then became foreman, then started his own contracting business. now he flips properties for a living, and still does some contractor work. i still make more than he does (i think), but money isn't the end-all for me. this man is motivated. and when he touches me... when he kisses me... when he smiles at me... my world is his oyster. there must be a catch. there was a time when i and my family would balk at the idea of me marrying an unlettered man. a man without a diploma had no future, was the consensus. but not allen. he had made his own destiny. defined his own future. so why didn't i get ser...

"you gon' think i invented sex..." a ringtone. loud. in the middle of my afterglow. whatinTHEEhayle?! suddenly, the flames on my vanilla scented yankee candles flickered more wildly. like an ominous spirit was blowing through. why is my perfect moment being interrupted right now? and why won't he turn off that damn ringer? "Allen! YOUR PHONE!"

whispers.
furtive glances.
he's reaching for his clothes.
the candlelight is dancing wildly now.
i think i'm gonna be sick.
that damn trey songz is blaring again.
wait, didn't he just answ...

"ALLEN....?!"

i open my eyes to find myself on the couch. my house smells like fried catfish, not yankee candles. all the lights are off, except for the tv. i hate that damn trey songz video. howz a fuggin baby like him gonna claim he invented anything, let alone sex. getdafckouttahere. i remember why i stopped watching BET.

but then i find myself smiling. it was a nice fantasy. and it was good to see allen again. yeah, it was a dream, but allen is actually a real man. and he really is sexy as i described. and now i remember why i never got serious with him: allen will never be serious with any woman. including his current wife.

there's always a catch.

"i'm sugar brown; stay warm, and good night."

KEEP IT 100!!!

As most of you know, I'm a fun-loving kinda gal. I like to think I have a hopeful outlook on the world and that I give people food for thought with these blogs.

But today...I got some shiggety that's on my mind and I need to get it off my chest. Now, these things ain't about you per se, but if you fit the profile, then maybe you need to KEEP IT 100 right now.

Ladies, Its 2010 now. In the dawn of the Biggest Loser, why the hell are you wearing pants that your fat ass can't fit in...with a belt? I see more plumber cracks walking down the street then I care to EVER see. Which leads to the next question...Why are you all not wearing underwear with your pants? Furthermore, y'all have the nerve to wear lil' bubble coats that don't fit over your stomachs. Either hit the gym so you can wear the tight clothes or buy stuff that fits.

KEEP IT 100!!

Fellas, I don't get it. You are going to wear skinny jeans but then you let them sag underneath your booty butt cheeks. Meanwhile, you run to the bus or train like a penguin. Or worse, your pants are so baggy that you grab the crotch to hold your pants up when you walk. That look went out with Jodeci in '95. Get some pants that fit!! Its no wonder that crime is dropping in major cities, you can't run from the police anymore....cuz your pants on the ground!

KEEP IT 100!!

Ladies, quit telling people you trying to find your Barack Obama. Barack is with Michelle, Michelle is with Barack. You ain't going to find another Barack...or Denzel or Will Smith for that matter. But Craig, Charles, David and Michael are out there looking for a good woman...put your energy into meeting them and stop putting pressure on Barack to be everyone's man!

KEEP IT 100!!

Fellas, Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and J-Lo's asses are not accomplishments in life. You see big booties walking around day in and day out, stop acting like these women's posteriors possess the elixir of life. Their booties sit on toilets and get gassy just like the rest of the women out here.

KEEP IT 100!!

Ladies, stop saying there are no good men out here. The only person that you are hurting is yourself. Its self-defeating and, not to mention, just plain unattractive. Working on self and positive energy will bring forth a good man. Your perpetual stanknicity may be the reason that good men turn around when they see you coming, Bag Lady! Spend this time getting your ducks in order for a good dude, because when he comes, you don't have time to be figuring your sloppy self out.

KEEP IT 100!!

Fellas, STOP BEING SO DAMN SELFISH!! Now, I know not all men are selfish, but the one's getting pissy about this statement are the one's I'm referring to in this post. You are not the only person trying to figure life out right now. I got it, some things haven't been fair to you. Maybe you had a bad break on some things...well, me too. But going into relationships where you can't give all of yourself due to these issues is wrong and downright mean. And I know some of you are saying, "I was upfront about everything. She knew what was up". Well, why did you pursue her if you had to make a warning statement like that? Bruh, there is nothing wrong with taking a time out to sort your life, but don't put yourself out there until you are ready to be mentally and emotionally available.

KEEP IT 100!!

Ladies, why y'all fronting for your girlfriends? You complain about how this girl or that girl is always running behind a man and how that ain't gonna be you. But as soon as you're all boo-loved up, nobody can find your ass. JUST STOP IT!! Asserting your independence on everyone doesn't prove anything, it only proves that you will fall the hardest. I have friends who were some of the harshest critics about other women and how they act in their relationships. When their husbands and kids came about, they turned into the same icky, kissy-faced women that they shunned. There is nothing wrong with being in love, even if you haven't found it. And getting mad when people remind you of your hypocritical, hate-mungering proclamations you made earlier ain't cool. Stop frontin'...

KEEP IT 100!!

Fellas, take a lesson from Bill Withers when he says, "... can't keep looking at loneliness and trying to call it freedom." I'm amazed at some of the things guys convince themselves of (as well as women for that matter). You see these guys at weddings, pretending to avoid the garter when its thrown. Or when you ask if they plan to marry their longtime girlfriends they start making hissing noises like you asked an absurd question. For real? Who are you trying to impress? Other guys? Men play this game with each other where nobody wants to be the first to settle down, but nobody wants to be the last one either. Its natural for humans to want connection and men are no exemption. And secretly, every man wants a partner who will stand by their side and know that they don't like olives on their pizza. Stop running women away because your scared...'nuff said!

KEEP IT 100!!

Ladies, quit waiting on your girlfriends to do things. Some of y'all miss out on restaurants, trips and other one-of-a-kind experiences waiting on some girlfriend to go with you. Carpe Diem!! Seize the day...go out to eat by yourself or even a movie. Take a long drive or trip somewhere by yourself. Who knows the people you could meet on these outings. It could be that moment that you meet your beloved because you were available to give him attention, instead of dealing with Angry Smurf being too cheap or grumpy. Be bold and take a chance...

KEEP IT 100!!

Fellas, if our President has taught us anything, it's that y'all need to bring your games up. Get some freakin' hobbies...productive hobbies. And I'm not just talking video games either. Start reading books. Take a ballroom dancing class. Wine appreciation. Something to expand your mind. Women are leaving you in the dust when it comes to expanding their minds and creating self-fulfilling lives. Many men don't deviate from the norms of work, school, home, or significant other, especially African American men. Some men complain about feeling smothered in relationships and needing space for themselves. Here's a thought, get a hobby! Do something that will allow you to reconnect with yourself and meet people outside of your circle. It could be that hobby that introduces you to a new line of work or even a new partner (provided you are single and not using the hobby as a wack-ass excuse to cheat!) ...It's time to upgrade you!!

You know something...now that I got that all off my chest, I'm feeling pretty good right now. And since I'm keepin' it 100, tonight, I think I'm going to pass on the wine. Wait...let's keep it 200 on this one, I'm tilting the box as we speak.

'Til next time,
~ T-Gyrl

Back Down Memory Lane

I stumbled on this photograph. It kind of made me laugh. Now I'm slippin fast. Back down memory lane.

In the midst of cleaning out cobwebs, dust and tangible nothings, getting ready to pull out yet another suitcase for yet another trip, I literally stumbled on his photograph. It must have fallen out of a keepsake box. I didn't notice the slippery slope shaped like a polaroid tumbling to the ground. I yanked, with all my might, the suitcase out of it's assigned cubby, stepped back and slipped to the floor. You can imagine my surprise as I lifted my behind to see what I could possibly have slipped on. Imagine the irony...his face.

I hadn't thought of him in a long time. Except for when he called a few weeks ago to tell me of his new relationship. He was concerned I might know her. I might. Not so concerned that he didn't make it plain, in that very same conversation, that if I was willing...so was he. After confirming for the 3rd time that I wasn't willing, he told me the relationship had been going on for months. Funny, last month weren't you telling me you and a different chick were...same dude, different day. I'll pray for them. All of them. I've been in their shoes. They've never been in mine. So regardless of whatever forever words & whispers of "I still want to have children with you" he made to me that day - I'll pray he can create a better 2morrow for the one(s) he's with. I pray that he will settle down and get married. Be happy (even if not productive) and live better with the best he has to offer. But that's not what made me laugh. Naw. Truth - I even 4got about that conversation 5 minutes after saying "I gotta go". I was laughing at me.

I look at a pic of him and see the naivete' of who I used to be. The wishes I used to have. Probably the same ones his girl has now. Yep, I'll pray for her. I remember, when it was 1st revealed who he was, my inner battle between wishing I had never found out and realizing I had always known. I remember feeling like another human being had the power to take pieces of me. Now, I'm just happy (no matter what he took) he isn't here. LOL. I think back on the lesson and wonder why it took so long to leave in the 1st place. All the fighting and unrequited love & pain only boiled down to one soft spoken lesson.

If you are ready to leave and that man is not ready to let you go - there is no good way to leave him.

But when you love the idea of someone...listen to what I said...the idea of someone, you want everything (even the leaving) to be a reflection of that love. When I left him, I thought it was with that. My best wishes and hopes for him. I didn't realize if you were a good woman, he will always look for a door back in. If I had, I would have gone running for the hills and to hell with whether I left with a beautiful memory. But I was naive then. Didn't know me then. But you couldn't tell me that - then.

Nope, in my mind I was the self assured, strong in my convictions kinda girl. Even as far back as high school, when a male looked my way my first intinct was to be on guard. If he wanted to get at me, he had to convince me he was worth the energy it took to listen. Afterall, Grand always told me

there are three men you need to avoid at all times: The police, The politicians & the hustlers. All of 'em either want you dead or only let you live under assurances that can only benefit them.

To me, every male was at least a hustler if not a combo of all three. So I took great care in telling a man to go to hell. That was me. Or so I thought. Though I was long out of highschool when he and I met, the chick he met & mated was shaped by past lessons. Hmm...I wonder who my husband will meet when he and I finally breathe each other's air. But I digress...

Fast forward to now. Those days of coming into womanhood and discovering male energy seem like yesterday. Maybe, in truth, it was. But be it yesterday or yesteryear time has passed. And one thing's for sure about time, no matter how little of it passes, it changes things. Those experiences from then - to the chick the photograph reminds me of - to now, changed things. Just with that one male, I've been through cancer, heartache, disappointment, creating life and losing life. And God knows it didn't just change the way I saw him. It changed the way I honor me. As I looked at that pic I silently thanked God for all my exes because they kept me on the edge of self discovery, if nothing else.


Now, I'm quicker to say to a male interest "I don't know where you've been", "I don't trust what you're about" or ask "What is that about" when I see something twisted. Their defense tactic is to cquestion if I'm insecure. No. I'm very confident in & about me. Rest assured, it's you & your abilities I don't have any confidence in...

Now, I'm quicker to look at a situation and say "you're not for me" or "I'm not for you" and walk away with peace in the situation.

Now, when I do let a guy go and sister-friends ask "what happened?" I always say "enough". You see, I no longer have to wait for the shoe to drop or for something unchangeable to happen. Only enough! Enough for me to know that this right here isn't for me. I made the mistake with photograph of being unhappy for years and sticking around anyway because I had convinced myself if I love him than he has to do something drastic for me to leave. I ended up leaving anyway and finding out about the big stuff afterwards during reconciliation talks! LOL. I no longer find comfort in the state of "farther than I meant to go or longer than I meant to stay". I no longer look for validation for my reasons in staying or going. I don't need to breathe life into extremely damaged details for friend's too ooh and ahh over. They will surely here snatches on the street (no matter the twist on it) and convince themselves they know the situation to their satisfaction anyway.

There's so many ways the woman I am today, learned to honor me, from the men I knew yesterday. The photograph reminded me of that. Not of him. I quickly resumed packing but not before I threw the pic of him in the trash (hell, I always liked the idea of him rather than the reality of him anyway) and secured the keepsake box. Not before I realized, why hadn't I put a picture of myself in there? After all, it's a keepsake box. Why would I use it to keep someone else's image sacred?? LOLOL Then peered closer and realized, it was a box he'd given me and therefore may have more memoirs of him in there. That made me smile too. It was a beautiful box. Just needed the contents to be upgraded. Easy enough. Much like people over time. The framework is fine...it's the inside that needs to upgrade every few. So I dumped the contents of the box without even looking at it. Replaced the contents with pics of me. Safe, secure. New contents in a beautiful & strong structure with a weather proof foundation.

I stumbled on this photograph. It kind of made me laugh. Now I'm fading fast. Back down memory lane. I see the happiness. I see the pain.

...what I didn't see (despite the photos best intentions) was him. All I saw was the beauty of growth in me. And I loved her.

~Shai
Song Lyrics are from Memory Lane by Minnie Ripperton