It's been a while....let me mess wit it for a minute.
So I been through some emotional roller-coaster, Donnell Jones "Where I Wanna Be"-type shit. Most of it probably self-inflicted like a bullet wound. I have to admit to y'all as much as my DNT sisters and I spew self-worth and empowerment, I don't always take my own advice at times. That admission wasn't to make you think I'm a hypocrite, but just know, sometimes I get lax. Its true, my shit stinks too.
I'm making the choice to not feel bad about myself. Allowing myself room for mistakes and room to learn.
Aww, who am I kidding. I HATE messin' up. I CAN'T STAND IT!! Perfectionist isn't the word I would use. More like a restrictist.
I restrict myself from behaviors and emotions that I constantly support my girlfriends on. Why? I dunno....maybe fear. Or maybe its that grade school mentality, that if I just behave myself and do my work then somehow I will get rewarded. I guess life don't really fuck with you like that.
As open as I am to trying new and potentially life-shaping things, there is a way I've never truly sustained feeling free. Free to the point where I'm completely in control of my mind, body and spirit enough to release the false concept of what it means to be "in control".
The constant and impending fear of "nothingness" seems to follow me along my life decisions.
Recently, a close friend of mine sent me a link to a blog by Courtney Martin. Sister Courtney relayed a message that spoke volumes to my heart and forced my brain to go through the gluttony of toxic and self-deprecating messages that I have internalize.
"....women often feel most beautiful and happy when they are doing what they love, when they are operating at that sweet spot where their passions, gifts and well-being intersect, where they are able to give the world the best of themselves really enjoy the fruits of that giving."
I had to marinate on this for a minute. There was a point in my life about three years ago where I can say that I felt this same sort of beauty she refers to in her blog. Life wasn't perfect by no stretch of the imagination, but I could tell that I gave of myself and were a part of things that made me feel great. Its funny that sometimes you can't tell how good things are for you until its no longer present in your life.
But I was truly sold on Sister Courtney's words when she said, "My...sense of my own beauty didn't come from a number on the scale or a new outfit. It wasn't the result of a makeover or a bevy of suitors. It came from my sense of abundance - that there is enough time for me to do great work, to see my gifts realized. It came from the outer beauty all around me, the natural world reminding me that my organic beauty is the most potent. And most fundamentally, it came straight from the center of me, radiating out."
Given my mental right now, how do I get back to my sense of abundance in the world? Clearly, I can't go back to three years ago, but my goal is to find out what gives me abundance now. How can I give the most of myself to the universe and feel full and satisfied from what I receive in return?
I'm full of good questions right now, but now its time to figure out great answers.....
(Man, this green tea and whole grain is messing with my head. Oh how I miss the box!)
'Til Next Time,