Monday, June 28, 2010

Everything I Do...I Do it for.....who???

Now I want to say something
Something that's been on my mind
It's really very simple
But the words aren't easy to find

Hey family. I've been gone but, hopefully, not forgotten. Getting some things together on the career front. Studying for my certification, lobbying for a promotion, yada, yada. Doesn't leave a lot of time for writing. Somehow, however, I found time to book a cruise for my birthday. That's right! I'm setting sail! Right after I test for my certification I should be back to writing, drinking and having an undignified celebration of my life thus far. Now, while trying to fit in prep appointments for my cruise something crossed my mind. Something that disturbed my spirit so much, I had to make time to share. Picture neck-o-da-woods 2010. Legs spread, mouth open & poised to scream....rock with me for a few....

Didn't know that I can feel this way
I'm not a yes kinda woman
But I'd do anything you say
We don't have to scream & shout it
We don't have to tell the world about it
It's easy when you feel the way I do

Pissed! That's how I felt. Utterly pissed and damn uncomfortable. There I was, prepping for my cruise, doing what all women must do when bathing suit season hits. You guessed it! Time for the brazilian wax! Usually I'll just do a bikini wax (yeah, I do it myself) but for some reason (maybe it's the itty bitty swimsuit some negroes encouraged me to buy) I said to myself "it's my b-day cruise! balls to the muthafuckin walls: let's take it all".

Pause: Ummmm...someone should have explained what the hell "all" entailed. Don't laugh! It aint as simple as it sounds.

The world of short and curlies is VERY complex! It takes a professional that has passed health exams and yearly mental checks to handle the short and curlies. I mean, this chick had CERTIFICATES on the walls! Testaments to her genuis of handling the short & curly. Now, I'm not completely off my rocker. I've gone to this woman before. I dye my shorties and have them cut into fun shapes. I may even vajazzle every now and again to compliment the jewelry I already have in that area. I knew who I was dealing with, certificates, goggles, magnification light and all. I'd seen how mama handles her work. I thought surely, I can trust her judgement.

Anyway, as stated, I was on her table, cheeks out, legs in suspended stirrups, cracked open while she hummed, prepped, powdered, trimmed...enjoyed herself. Somehow I got the feeling this aint your average. She asks in Japanese "Shai sama, all off or strip?" I patted it and responded, in Japanese, "strip please. just make her even. ya know how I like it." Then in English "no homo." She raised an eyebrow and looked mysteriously around for an interpreter that didn't exist. Then patted it and got to work.

Now, that it's over let me ask you....who the hell pays for this level of torture??? Now it aint my first time at the rodeo but surely they didn't take that much off last season. I would have remembered. And it's not until you feel wax touch places that only a wash cloth or an OBGYN has gone that you realize, you aren't in Kansas anymore. By then, it's too late. The wax has been laid. You can't get off the table and run cuz you will get twisted up in the furry stirrups. She is looking at you with a sinister smile and says ever so quietly as she lays the strip "hold your breath. this may not be pleasant." MAY NOT???? What the hell kinda shit is she into?? Then I realize, Japanese. The whole world bases their bondage and torture techniques off of shit the Japanese started. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Aint but one way to get the wax off. She rips the strip. She looks at me and says

are you going to cry?
Me: No heathen! But I do punch.
Demon: (she blinks)I'll get you glass of water
Me: Vodka. You better get me vodka.
Demon: men like (she blinks again, pats her handy work. returns with water)
Me: Pedofiles. Pedofiles like. That's what we call those "men". My dude. Not a pedofile. Will not like.

She doesn't know I don't have a man. I implied otherwise because somehow, whenever I'm in such a situation, I feel the need to make it clear that I'm hetero. Somehow it comforts both of us. She frowns and gets back to work. Now through all this, we aren't even going to talk about how fingers were moving my piercing out of "the way". Uh-uh. No homo. We aren't going to talk about how she asked me to turn over and said "now behind"...nope. It's too much for my spirit. Disturbs my mental mind too much. I know it happened but I don't believe in that shit and frankly it makes me uncomfortable (for you Ndygo) to discuss how I found myself looking at parts I haven't seen since I was 6. And for good damn reason. I'm 30!! I'm old enough to know (and appreciate) if there's a house, there needs to be a lawn. Grown women - you aren't supposed to look like this! And though I know it's what I asked for, I didn't know what the hell I was asking for. Where was the "bitch behave" memo on this??

In the end, I left feeling cheap and used. I mean that psycho didn't call or write or anything. I had to CALL HER to see how life was going, if the kids were out for summer. No flowers. No nothing. All that "familiarity" in some countries we are considered married! After all that torture...and dropping $80 on your ass...I got to TELL YOU don't forget to write?? What kinda tomfuckery is that???

Oooh I do it for you, and only you
You know I do it for you and only you
Yeah you know it's true
I do it all for you

Now, the truth be told in it, I was doing it because I have to fit in a bathing suit and all that extra afro hanging out just aint fitting. But the whole process got me to thinking (I do that when I'm pissed) about all the shit sisters do....and for what?? for who?? Think about it. We either d.i.y or pay good damn money to sit someplace where we can wax, dye, color, straighten, yank, tweeze, fluff and scent ourselves to damn death. Trying to be his extra clean fantasy. You know how much Victoria's Secretions makes off of those lotions?? Making your pussy smell like rain, raspberry tea, sweet pea, cucumber melon. WTF is that?? And WHAT pray tell do his balls smell like? I haven't seen one damn man bounce his sac in a jar of jasmine and hydrangea for us! It smells like balls!!!! And that's if he respects ya! smells like sweaty balls. Lucky us, we should understand he's been working all day. Or, if you are just a screw, his balls may smell like the ass he's dragging behind it. Not ne'er a jar of honeysuckle & white gardenia or stress relief spray up on it fuh ya. Do you hear me? Do you get what I'm telling you? And it wouldn't even cross your mind to require the same level of effort from him! Please sista, raise your hand if you ever told a man to not even approach unless he soaked his sac in, at least, a bottle of Pine Sol cuz the woodsy-outdoor type turns you on. *insert sound of crickets here* Exactly!

We go through torture, hell and high water to make ourselves look how we were never meant to look (past the age of puberty), smell like something we were never meant to smell like and feel like we were never meant to feel (smooth like a baby's butt all over). You aren't a baby's butt. You are a working, fighting, breathing, surviving grown ass woman. You just might make it through all of that with a rough spot on your baby toe and a hair bump! Let that shit be! You earned it. And besides that, NEWSFLASH, he aint do shit but shower... 8 HOURS AGO... and that was for work! Not your ass! But you are not only supposed to shower and smell like you're the only mammal on the planet earth who has never taken a shit...not enough. Nope, take it a step further, you are supposed to remove every inch of hair that isn't above your eyeballs! Meanwhile, this sucka can come to bed looking like he descended from a clan of Yeti, smelling like he has a job and expectations of being viewed as sexy. Hair on his back, in his ears & even on his butt. And we are supposed to overlook it. Really? I say no. Sistas, come to bed with a weave growing out your back and shit growing out your ears. See if he doesn't cock an eyebrow, turn on the game & wait for you to get some damn behavior.

If you lose your direction and can't seem to find your way
You don't have to worry, I'll be right with you anyway

I don't get it! We do all this shit...for who? Someone who wouldn't even THINK of, much less follow through, doing any of it for you. I hell with it. Until I see a waxed ball sack soaked in seabreeze and smelling like Andes Candies bet not nobody never (yeah, I know about 40 negatives up in that piece) say shiiiiiiiiit to me about wanting a hairless, trimmed, shaved, smell like fresh baked brownies pussy. Nigga you first! Endgame.

It made me truly wonder, what the hell would happen if we just...stopped. Picked a different path. Put up a detour sign whenever he suggested minimal hair or other unnatural preferences. Personally, I like smell goods and do it for myself. However, if one day, we all just lost our behavior and decided to present ourselves to them in the same careless "well I showered didn't I" way they present themselves to us, with no thought or concern of their preference on hair or smell, etc. would our worst fear of being "undesirable" come true. I suspect the answer is ....HELL NO. He'd screw ya anyway. It's a male. He may talk about ya after, but what do you care? He's talking to himself. You're snoozing and comfy without even asking if he has any preferences about how one should present their down under...JUST LIKE THEY DO.

The other day, I asked one of my DNT sisters (hats off to ya mama), what is the new fragrance for the fantasy box these days. She said, I don't know. I gasped. How the hell could one not know? I mean true, I was asking but that's because I was using a lovely fragrance I purchased overseas. Now that it was empty I wanted to know what new scents I should try. She stated matter of factly, "my pussy smells like pussy". WTF! Are you serious? That's allowed? She said, yeah! I'm not dating anyone. Oh, it's allowed when you aren't dating. I knew that but still, one can be ok with pussy just smelling like it's ...supposed to?? What a fresh (no pun intended) outlook on life. It hadn't dawned on me until that moment, since I scent up just cuz I wanna whether I'm dating or not, that I don't even know what my natural scent is. I mean, you hear men say all the time they like the smell of it. Do you? We spend our entire adult lives covering it up so how the hell would you know if you like it or not? You've been scenting hairless cotton candy. That aint authentic scent! Do you really think whatever you are scenting is what she came here smelling like? Did you honestly convince yourself that pussy smells like Peeps candy?? I doubt it. This sharing time with my DNT sister made me aware that not only could this be a teachable moment for him, hell I could learn some things about me. Ahh, I told you this world of short & curlies is a complex one. It can lead to make-ups, break-ups, self discovery and "baby wtf is all that hair doing there" moments. It can make ya re-evaluate your whole swag.

ok, this rant is over. I'm bald. I'm steeling myself against the itch that I know will come when all the curlies grow back. I'm angry cuz demon wax lady didn't think enough of our experience to text me later, no homo. And thanks to the lack of hair I'm overly sensitive to contact. I sneeze and damn near have an epileptic seizure. Cross my legs in a meeting and my eyes roll back and I start to drool. It aint fittin. All....for a bathing suit and because society (men) believe it isn't attractive to ride out au naturale. And I know in the end, I'll keep scenting, keep waxing (though not this brazil bull, yall can have that) and keep shaving the pits and parts. Even though there isn't a man here...somewhere along the way I got brainwashed into avoiding my natural state and only find beauty in the shaving and scenting of it all. But I swear, one day, when I'm married and he's trapped I'm gonna sit around in my sweat all day. Not shave a thing but demand he go wax cuz it's my "preference". Maybe take a ho bath at the sink and then sit spread eagle in the bed and tell him to lick it. Why?? Cuz somebody is gonna have to pay for the shit we go through...might as well be the one I love. LOL

Oh I do it for you and only you
You know I'd do it for you...

Lyrics by Bonnie Tyler: I Do It For You


  1. In the immortal words of Riley Freeman: "Pause!"

  2. The Cubicle Nation...says WOW!!! we like this posting!!1

  3. someone please call the "amalance" cuz i've fallen & i can't get up.

    1. how you gon' beat me to usin' my isht? & don't think just cuz you used it first doesn't mean i ain't gon' hit that (no homo...LMAO) line too!

    2. a male friend & i have been talking for years about how he believes in keepin "garden fresh nuts" cuz you never know when something could pop off w/a chick in an alley or project stairwell and you gotta be respectful. salt only tastes good on planters. the end.

    3. i'm mad at "my pussy smells like pussy." it's so simply put, so matter of fact. & so true. i don't know what kinda chemical infections you've nearly missed but i just keep "her" bathed & trimmed. men always tell me my natural scent is intoxicating. their behavior near it makes me believe them. so much so, i smelled it myself. gotta admit, i turn me on.

    4. you have no behavior & I CAN'T STAND YOU for posting this. but i AM thankful for the comic relief provided "this day" (HA!) & love you all the more for it.

    now, to go post on FB cuz others MUST read this fudderwagonry!!

  4. T-Gyrl - so mad riley has immortal words. LOL

    Anonymous - u have no idea

    Wanda & the cubicle nation - I knew u sistaz could relate/ rock wit me. I love that yall keep up with us.

  5. @ Ndygo - I can not and will not!

    1.) how you gonna know it's no homo unless I say no homo?

    2.) I can not and will not! D.O.A @ garden fresh nuts. He single?? Is he fine??

    3.) I know! It took me a minute. I had to blink and clear my head on the genuis of it all. oh and umm...I'ma need u to either stop smellin yaself or gwon head and ask you for your number. Teasing yourself is rude and it makes us uncomfortable.

    4.)I had to let yall know. I don't like it! I don't believe in it!! and I don't support it's efforts this day!!! (ROFLMAO). Thanks for sharing it sis & for the compliment that it's worth sharing. Really appreciate you.

  6. From my brother Will:

    for the record, i do shave the balls AND spray a litlte old spice or something down there. Maybe axe. maybe i wipe the cologne page of the magazine on them. whatev....they are not looking like some sour kiwi all soft and hairy.gross. I like my balls to look like brown eggs. organic. Smooth with no added hormones or anibiotics

    Gee, thanks will. we ummm...definitely needed the record books for that. oh my.

  7. if your brother will is my brother will, i'm uncomfortable with the proximity he's brought me to his "organic" nuts. i don't believe in it & it makes me uncomfortable. you need to gitchoshyttogether!!

    if you're not my brother will, i'm still uncomfortable with being this close to your nuts. i am, however, thankful to have found your name on the reread cuz @ 1st i thought shai was sayin she sprayed axe on the love below & i was gon' have to stake her out & beat some femininity into her THIS DAY. no homo.

    & don't sleep. i might need to holla at me. i've heard i smell good, taste good & turn a good trick. can you give me my number?

    *walks off singin "call me when you need someone to talk to (uh). call me. satisfaction guaranteed." & snappin my fingers of course*

  8. OMG this is so damn funny!! I totally agree!! & will LMAO all day after reading this!!

  9. @ Ndygo - it aint your brother Will. LOL. we couldn't still say "no homo" if it were. ROFLMAO @ "rules do not apply Will" (tis his Indian name)

  10. @ Anonymous - Glad you could join us and find laughter here. If ever you were thinking of indulging in the brazil behavior...let this serve as your official "b*tch behave" moment. It's beyond!

    ~ Shai