Thursday, July 29, 2010

Soul Possessions

Hey Tippers,

The summer is dwindling down, and I'm trying to get those last minute trips and fun excursions in before I have to turn in my glass slippers. And while I still have four weeks to go, I'm going to live it up.

I recently went away to a conference that actually had live instruments and a full on band playing in between sessions. I consider myself a bit of a roadie because I love some of the members of the a let's vibe on some music-type tip.

These are the moments that I become in touch with my inner nerd, because I could sit and listen to the musical arrangements for hours and dance the night away.

Its so strange, this time being around the band, I got in touch with a side of myself that I never acknowledge and often downplay. But before I can go there with you, I'm gonna have to take you back a minute. As Shai would say, rock with me on this one.

Ever since I could remember I have loved music and dancing. I know what you're about to say, "T-Gyrl, we all do, what's so special that you have to write a blog about it?" No, no, have no idea, even at the early ages of four and five I have felt music and dance. The power of a great song, the driving force of a beat....all of it. I have been connected to it from an early age. I remember when I was around six and Mom Dukes would cut the radio on while I marinated in the bath tub. She would always give her, you got 10 minutes warning, while I listen and soaked. Almost every night without fail, "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross would come on and I would just cry. I don't know why, but I would. I've always felt some kinda connection. I never had any musical talent to play an instrument but I considered myself a pseudo-musician.

When it came to dancing, let's just say I could actually go to a therapist about the emotions that come up with it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I don't care what age I am, as long as I can blink I will always be dancing in some sort of way. Its funny, I got teased a lot for dancing. Actually, I was, no, AM, a great dancer, but people put their restimulations on you when you are of a certain size and dance really well. A bit of the Re-Run effect if you will. I got laughed at or some idiot would feel the need to point out that I danced well for a big girl. I guess bigger people just sit on their asses and eat, because thinking, dancing and any other action would be outside of their possibilities......Okay I digress.

Anyhoo, I can't explain, but there was a way I felt so in charge when I danced. Like I could command attention or I had this confidence that I knew I was better than you, you and yes, you. I would be in my own world dancing and I was an unstoppable beast, until someone felt the need to criticize or impose their sexual desires on me, which normally resulted in my retreating into my shell.

I'm not shy in the least bit, but there was a way in which the unwarranted attention would make me feel bashful, and almost, ashamed.

Well, thank goodness, for having the opportunity to teach dance and play music for people who feel limited in the world. I always remind people that dancing is nothing more than learning technique and feeling the rhythm and bringing the two together. I loved feeling like I was arming people with confidence and defiance against the world when I taught them. I dunno, maybe I believed that every time I empowered someone else, I was secretly building up my own army against the world of nay-sayers, predators and other negative forces.

Or maybe I was just trying to fight the demons and voices inside of me.

Fast forward back to the conference and the live music: There was a point where the band was getting hot and hyped. Between the electric keys and the drumming, that even the Motherland would be proud to dance to, I felt the spirit move me in unspeakable ways. At one point, I grabbed the person I was with and told them we had to go to the music because I couldn't focus any more. I made my way to the center of the action, where the music was the loudest and the crowd gathered around.

Almost in a trance-like state, I was singing (yelling) the words to the songs at the top of my lungs and the music had pulsed through my veins causing my body to flow with the rhythm. I knew the audience were watching me, but I didn't care. The music infused me in a way that I swear I had gone through a borderline religious experience. At that moment, I was in the zone!!

Funny thing happened though during that moment of enlightenment. He saw me. (Now, I know you want to know who "he" is, but y'all are too damn nosy sometimes. All you need to know is that yes, he's cute, no we're not dating and yes, I'm okay with this.) "He" saw me at my finest and sweatiest hour. I danced with reckless abandon and something about that felt powerful, and even a little sexy, but I could tell he took in all of me. My presence was big and he had no recourse but to root for it. The smallest, most arrogant part of me believes it may have been the moment he fell in too for that matter.

I guess the whole point of this is that I want more of this feeling. This power that overcame me at the center of the group. That sense of power and command without having to impose on other people. Actually, quite the opposite, maybe I will inspire others to dance and sing with the same reckless abandon that came over me. And just maybe, someone will fall in love with me at that instance of my power and become so overwhelmed with passion and pride, that he becomes enchanted. Maybe I will have Erykah Badu'd him and next thing you know he's drinking almond milk and wearing crocheted pants while basking in the glow of my love.

Okay, so maybe, he will just feel compelled to ask me out and get to know me.

Oh the places your mind will go, T-Gyrl!!

'Til Next Time,
~ T-Gyrl

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